The McX Saga
by
Abyss



The following is what could be salvaged from a series of emails I traded back and forth a while ago with Dream Dancer, and later with some help from MsMarvel.... There are usually line spaces where the writer switches and little messages between us in ( )s.




Yes, I can see it now. The mansion blows up. Again. Who's fault is it this time? Who cares? Xavier discovers that his credit cards are maxed out and watches in horror as they are cut up in the local hardware store.

In a fit of pique, he fries the psynapses of the clerk, who is so bored with her job that she doesn't notice.

A quick call to the bank reveals he's severely overdrawn from the last time Sinister paid a visit begging for money to continue his evil experiments. (Being a soft-hearted guy and knowing the X-Men would suck without decent villians, Charles writes him a check.)

"I hope you've learned your lesson about mixing genetics, alcohol, and horse racing, Sinister."

So, it is time for a family meeting:

And the telepathic call goes out.

*Come to me my X-Men, Jean, let Logan off his leash, what I have long feared has come to pass...*

And so the mutants assemble in silence, except for the *fsst* of Logan opening a beer, and the *click* of Gambit lighting a cigarette, and the *rumble* of thunder as a small raincloud appears over his head and proceeds to drench him, and a *gasp* as he supercharges Storm's biking-shorts in retaliation, and a *thud* as Bishop gets fed up and clobbers both of them.

"Gang," he says,

(Yes, it's true, in a previous life, Charles Xavier was 'Fred" from Scooby-Do.)

(I always thought that. So, that was the color of his hair.)

"We're broke."

A gasp echoes around the room.

"Whatever shall we do?" Jean begs the heavens.

A loud "BANG!" is heard as Scott shoots himself in despair.

(Hey, its Marvel. He'll be back for the first day of work. Lucky us.)

Psylocke just stands by looking dark and mysterious, as do Gambit, Logan, Warren and Bishop. All conveniently hidden in the shadows so that only their eyebrows and red slits where their eyes should be are visible.

Rogue swoons; and Gambit and Joseph lunge to catch her and subsequently knock each other unconscious.

(Who's Joseph?? Oh, nevermind. He's a younger (WHAT AGAIN??) Maggie with limited memory...Gee, how could I forget...)

(Actually, he's yet another spider-clone from an alternate reality where he was the son of Hillary Clinton and the Blob, but why quibble?)

(Eww! That was an image I did _not_ want,'byss! Really! Then again, that would explain Chelsea...)

(*groooooaaaaannnnn*)

(What?? Like that comment about her mother wasn't painful??)

(Why painful? I bet she could take the Blob two falls outta three.)

(She would have to. I don't think he would do be a willing partner. I can picture him screaming, trying to climb the walls to get away.)

Storm whips up a hurricane; Bobby cries; and Hank, well, he just screams, "My stars and garters!" because Bobby is wearing his 'Captain Planet' boxers with matching garter-belt.

(Boy, that image gives a whole new perspective on "Showgirls".)

"But, there is hope! There is a silver lining to this dark imposing cloud!"

A glimmer of sunshine passes through the eyes of the crowd, except Scott who's just lying in a bloody heap on the ground.

(Not that I care. Heh heh heh...)

The Professor throws out his arms with a big smile. "You can all get jobs!"

There is a resounding "THUNK!" and a slight tremor to the ground as every X-member passes out. Except for Bishop who clicks his heels and salutes, and Gambit, who's busy riffling through Scott's pockets, wondering why the hell Summers would want to carry around a picture of Candace Bergman, a jar of vaseline, and a water pick, and Logan whose studying a nearby fire hydrant intently and unzippping his costume.

Undaunted, Charles continues, "I've already got us hired at the local McDonald's!"

And Warren calls up his broker and tells him to start buying up Burger King stock.

(Actually, those words would probably send them into comas. It would me.)

So, with heavy hearts, empty pockets, and really ugly work uniforms, with stylized 'M's all over the place, except for Bishop for obvious reasons. Everyone knew he had lied for years about the XSE. They knew he was really from a future when Ronald McDonald ruled the world with an iron glove, but they figured humoring him would be less trouble and save them on the therapy bills.

The X-Men reported for their first day of work, Scott included.

(It turned out that he had actually used a squirt gun filled with ketchup. It was a joke all along! *shrug* Marvel. What else is new?)

Sitting in the broom closet the store uses for the crew's lounge, the store manager looms over the brooding faces.

"First, you will watch a set of training videos, then I will set you all up with a crew trainer to..."

"That will not be necessary." Charles interrupts. "I telepathically extracted the necessary information from your mind and relayed it to the others. We are now quite capable to start working."

The manager presents him with a hard stare.

"Did I say you were ready?"

"Uh...no, sir."

"This is not a game, boy. This is serious business! There're rules to follow and order to keep! Without proper hands-on training, how am I supposed to know you will present a pleasant and well-organized appearance to our customers? How will I know you can correctly and efficiently prepare the food? No! You are ready when I say you are ready!"

"Yes, sir!"

"Say de word and I kill him, Stormy."

"No my friend. This is the Professors decision."

"Fine, but I be stealing de entire supply of 'beanie babies' first chance I get."

"See if you can get me a Flintstones car, my friend."

"Bets... read my mind."

"Why Warren, you horny devil.... with the special sauce no less!"

"We'll start with the first video: The Joys of Sanitation."

"Can't we start with Debbie Does Fast Food?"

"Robert!"

"Sorry, Prof."

"The one where she cleans house was better, anyway."

"So _that's_ why you had Hank install that VCR in your hoverchair."

"Robert, I may be crippled, but I'm not dead. Besides, if _your_ girlfriend lived on another planet..."

Condiments sang catchy little tunes that would imbed themselves into one's brain till the end of time. The recorded crew carried smiles that were probably welded into their faces.

"My god... Mojo must be behind this!"

"Shuddup and keep moppin', bub."

They were shown the exact procedure for mopping the floors: side to side sweep, NOT back and forth pushing.

(That is not a joke by the way. They really get peeved at McDick's if you don't mop just the right way.)

(Oh? So spitting on the floor and pushing it around with your foot is a bad thing?)

(If you're not management, yeah.)

It was mental torture that would give Sinister a run for his money. But, the X-Men endured and proceeded to the next step: training.

"This makes the Danger Room look like a kiddie gym."

"Speaking of which... Bets, read my mind."

"Warren! Hamburglar's nose was not designed for that."

(Ugh. I'll never be able to look at that horrid little character again...Thanks! You're a peach!)

(I can but do my humble best, your worship.)

(I'm happy to see you got my official title straight.)

Their instructor was a pimply faced boy that couldn't have been more than seventeen.

And somewhere, Apocalypse watched all this on video and laughed... "Now we will see if they are truly amongst the strong. Heaven knows I would never be able to survive it. Happy Meals." He shivers convulsively.

"This," he announced proudly, "is the H-series 511 Morgan-Trent cash register." He gave the machine an affectionate pat. "This baby will be your gateway to the world of speedy food service."

"I'd rather be thrown back into the Siege Perilous." Betsy whispered to Hank.

"Who's first to try it out?"

Hank hesitantly moves forward and pushes a button. The machine buzzes, chimes, shows 'no sale' on the readout and starts to spark

"Ack!! What have you done??" The boy shrieks. "You've killed it!" He cradles the smoking machine. "Don't worry, sweetheart, I'll save you! Quick!! Someone call the emergency repair number! Hurry!"

The X-men stare at him as he begins to sob hysterically.

"You think he's been snorting the mayo?" Bobby asks.

"Oh! It's not fair! Not fair!" The boy wails.

Jean tries to comfort him. "It's okay, dear. We'll get you another friend. Somebody go find that blow-up doll. It should still be in Bobby's suitcase."

"Hey!"

After a round of taking and preparing orders:

"Ya know, sugah, there's more nutrition in that wrapper than th'burger."

"You're here to take orders, Rogue, not give advice."

"Sugah... kiss my grits!"

"Cool! Meet me in the freezer!"

"Easy on the salt on those fries, Bobby. People are health conscious, you know."

"BWA HAHAHAHAHA!!"

"What's so funny?"

(I swear to you. I once had my store manager tell me that. My reaction was pretty much the same...)

(Seriously... if I wanted a salad, would I have walked in there in the first place?)

(You should have heard the speech: "You have to go easy on the salt. The owner is visiting today, and if he sees you putting on that much salt, he'll fire you. People who visit McDonald's are health conscious." It still makes me giggle.)

"You must ALWAYS remember to push the plastic thingies down on the lid of the drink so the customer will not get beverages mixed up."

"I am the Mistress of the Elements, once worshipped as a goddess! You will find a more suitable tone when addressing me."

"I am your manager, missy, and I've worked here for twelve years!"

*KRA-KA-BOOM*

"Whatever, just push down the thingies."

"Please, Stormy, lemme kill 'im."

"As painful as it is to refuse you the opporunity, Gambit, we must remember our honor as X-Men and never kill."

"Fine. Don' cry t'me when he stick you hostin' de chil'un's parties."

"I did not say you could not _maim_ him."

And meanwhile, at the grill:

"No, Mr. McCoy, unless you want to dress in a hair net, I think it would be best to find another station for you. Cleaning the bathrooms, perhaps?"

"Would you like to volunteer as the mop or the toilet brush, m'boy?"

"Um... Logan, you're supposed to cook the meat, not eat it. Hey! Gimme that!"

*SNIKT!*

"GRRRRRRR!"

"On second thought, we can always get more from the freezer."

"Aw'right runt -- time ta go to claw city!"

"Not now Creed, I'm filling the straw dispenser."

It was apparent they had indeed learned all they needed from the Professor's telepathic instruction, so they were able to skip the necessary three days of training and dive head-first into the world of heart-hardening grease slop.

(Go nuts at will mam'selle.)

(Already there.)

(Woohoo!)

(Doing train imitations now, Abyss? I'm sure you'll be perfect for the part of The Little Engine That Could...)

(I think I can, I think I can I know I can I know I can... I did! I did!!! WOOHOOO! NayahHAHAHAHAHhhhaaaa....!)

Think of it... Psylocke working the drive-thru...

Person drives up...

"Thank you, that will be $7.25, please advance to the window."

"But,.. Um... uhh..."

"Next please."

"Hi, can I have a..."

"No, you'll get the fish your wife told you to order...$9.16, please advance to the window."

"Hey, baby! You're fine! Wanna date with a real man?...um...nice sword...ma'am."

Or

"What are you doing, Mr McCoy?"

"I'm simply adjusting the microwave so that the radiation no longer removes all nutritional value from the food, sir."

"Welllll, it seems SOMEONE thought they were working at Burger King...Besides, they're not microwaves, they're queueing ovens!"

Hank looks at the glowing mass of food. "The difference being?"

The manager looks huffily at him. "I'm almost tempted to make you watch the training videos over again..."

"That would be ill-advised."

"Ummm... is that a _real_ plasma pistol made from the shake machine?"

"Indubitably so."

"Nevermind then."

Elsewhere...

"Hey! I asked for a _well-done_ burger!"

"You want well-done, chere? Gambit give you well-done."

*charge KABOOM!*

"Oh, now it's burnt! Can't you do anything right?"

"Did yo' mamma drop you...a lot?"

"Get me the manager!"

"Bishop! Whats wrong?"

"I'm absorbing the negative energy from the... complaints... too much... must... release..."

*FWA-KOOOM*

"Geez. You just wiped out the kiddie gym."

"You! You with the tattoo! You're fired!!"

"Bobby, where are you going?"

"To take out the toilets. If random destruction is all it takes to get out of here..."

"Oh, like anyone goes in our restrooms. Get back on counter, Mr. Drake. You have orders."

"Would ya like an apple-pie with that, bub?"

"No thanks..."

*SNIKT*

"...actually, I'd like six.... please...sir."

"Mr. Logan, keep up the good work."

"Mrs. Grey!"

"Sir?"

"Do a lobby check for trash. Pass a mop through it as well."

A few minutes pass. The manager runs to find out why people are screaming in the lobby.

"I meant _physically_, Mrs. Grey!"

"Oh, hell."

"What is it, Warren?"

"We just got an order for twenty Big Macs."

"No prob. Hand me some meat."

ZARK!

"Wow. Right through the grill and the shake machine."

"Summers!!!"

Scott, Jean, and about twenty other people from the lobby answer,

"Yes?" Jean looks around, stunned. "That's it! I want a divorce!"

The pimple faced trainer immediately leans over.

"Really? Hey, you wanna come over and play Doom II? Ow! Ow! Put me down! Heeeeelp! No, not the soft ice cream machine! GlugGlubgluch!"

"Jean, maybe you shouldn't..."

"Oh, will you just shut-up, you walking sperm bank!"

"Logan, you're not helping."

CLOBBER!

"Um...sir? Is there a reason why there are two guys wrestling on the grill?"

"Nope. Did you want a Coke with that?"

The manager emerges from the office where he was pretending to do paperwork to find Gambit beating on a Big Mac with a tray.

"What, may I ask are you doing, Mr. LeBeau?"

"Mais, it was gettin' away!"

"Oh, for...just put the fries on it. That usually holds it still!"

And somewhere, Sinister grinned and began to determine the effects of splicing Summers DNA with a quarter pounder.

(Instead of shooting a beam from his eyes, Scott would just spit up sesame seeds.)

"My son already has this toy. Get him another one."

Bobby points to the crowd of people in the lobby.

"Ma'am, as you can see, we are quite busy. Would you like to come back and exchange it later?"

"No, I would not."

"Then, how about if I stuff it up your..."

"Drake!"

"Hey, she started it!"

"Well, I never!"

"Yeah right, I'm supposed to believe you grew the brat out of lettuce heads and banana peels?"

"That's it, Mr. Drake! I'm writing you up!"

"It's spelled D-r-a-k-e..."

"What is the ninety-nine cent special, again?"

Warren sighs heavily and raises his voice so the whole line of people can hear the explanation, having grown tired of repeating himself despite the fact there were yellow banners all over the place describing the special.

"You get any large sandwich for ninety-nine cents with the purchase of a fry or drink!"

The customer orders and moves on. The next person approaches the counter.

"Um...what's the ninety-nine cent special? Sir? Sir? I wouldn't bang your head into the counter like that, you might hurt yourself..."

"Have you ever seen the damage techno-organic razor sharp wings can cause to the human anatomy?"

"Ummm... no."

"Then do _NOT_ ask me what the ninety-nine cent special is again."

(Oops! My train of thought derailed and killed a hundred passengers. Um...um...maybe we could have a villain stroll in. Who haven't we done? OR, we can let them get their paychecks. No, nevermind, we don't want them to keel over...or do we?)

(I know! Now we try and get them all fired as creatively as possible...except for Bishop or maybe Logan, who decide to stay...)

(I thought that's what we were doing? Hee hee...Oh, Logan would have to stay. Working with raw meat is a bonus for him.)

**************************


(Do you think Evil is in some sort of partnership with Insanity?)

(No, it's more of an alliance tween grease and garbage.)

(X-FORCE!! Heh heh heh...)

(Oh geez.... you have no idea where I'm gonna take that in a few lines... The truth is revealed. Someone call Mulder....oh! Oh! Igotit!!!)

**************************


Meanwhile, two well-dressed individuals stroll through the door.

"Are you sure you want to eat here Mulder?"

"No Scully, but there were reports that strange things were happening here..."

"And that merits an X-File on a McDonalds?"

"No, but I haven't had a Big Mac in years."

"Welcome to McDonald's, may I be of service?"

"Scully, is it my imagination or are we being served by a large blue gorilla?"

"I deeply resent that implication, sir. I do have my doctorate..."

(Genius!!)

Scully blinks. "Is it Halloween already?"

"Non. You were killed, an' dis be hell."

"Do not listen to him. Now, what may I get for you?"

"I'll have a chicken salad."

"Scully! How can you eat at a time like this? We are surrounded by oddities! That guy over there has metal wings and is _blue_, and look at that woman with the white stripe down her hair. Surely a hairstyle like that can't be normal! It's an X-Files smorgasbord!"

Mulder is practically dancing in excitement.

"Mulder, it is obviously some sort of special advertising ploy for the Ninety-nine Cent Special. I will admit the costumes are very well done."

"Then, why is that chicken sandwhich flying toward the drive-thru?"

SPLAT!

"Hey, Jean! Watch it! It's bad enough I'll have to scrub for hours to get all of that strawberry shake out of my hair!"

"Well, if you would quit stepping in front of the food..."

"So, she has a good arm. People are in a hurry. They have to do what they can to get the food out fast."

"That man," Mulder points at Gambit accusingly, "has red on black eyes!"

"An, yo' face look like th'back end of a goat!"

"Remy!"

"Wha'? He started it, chere."

"Who cares who started it, sugah? He's cute!"

"Grrrrrr..."

"Wow. I've never seen that shade of green before."

"Shut up, Iceboy!"

"He cannot accomplish that with contacts!"

"Mulder, calm down. You're reading way too much into this. So, the reports were wrong. At least, we can have a nice meal out of this."

"Nice meal, she says. I guess she _wants_ to die of a heart-attack!"

"Just cook the burgers, will ya bub?"

Mulder grabs her by the shoulders, giving her a few light shakes.

"Scully, don't you see! They'll have to listen to us, now!"

"If you don't let me go, I'm gonna be forced to shoot you. Again."

(*laughing hysterically* I love it! Who would've thought one word could make a difference. "Again" *snickers*)

He drops his hands in exasperation. "I don't understand you!"

"Ma'am, will he be alright? Do you require assistance?"

"No, thank you. He gets this way sometimes. Just don't give him any cookies or anything. I think he has enough sugar in his system."

"Then, may I recommend the chicken nuggets?

Scully turns to see her partner talking in hushed-tones on his cel phone.

"Um...Mulder? Who are you calling? I'm right here."

"Director Skinner, I'm telling you it's all here... hello? Hello?"

*****************************


(MsMarvel chimes in...)

"Hello again, Logan. How's my favorite runt today?"

(Wolverine rolls his eyes) "Creed, I ain't got time ta fight with ya today, I have to refill the napkin dispensers."

"Hey, I'm not here ta fight ya, we're just here for lunch."

"We?"

(All of X-Factor walks into McDonald's. Including Shard)

"Bishop! What are you doing here?"

"What does it look like, Shard? I'm trying to fix the soda machine."

(Forge's eyes light up at the prospect of fixing something mechanical and jumps over the counter to assist Bishop. The pimply kid intercedes.)

"Hey! You can't do that! You don't work here!"

"I am Forge. I can create or repair any machine imaginable."

"In that case, could you take a look at the oven?"

(Mystique sees Rogue working the drive thru and screams in horror)

"Rogue! What has Xavier done to you now?"

"Th' Professuh's broke and we all had ta get jobs."

"Not MY baby!"

(Raven morphs into a purple monster with blue hair and tries to drag Rogue out of the restaurant. Sabretooth tries to restrain her while customers run screaming for their lives.)

(Mulder starts jumping up and down like a child.)


"See? See? I told you so!"

"Oh, shut up, Mulder, it's just a holographic projection."

"Is not! Is not!"

*Go to sleep, Mr. Mulder.*

(Jean telepathically makes Mulder tired and he curls up on the floor in a fetal position, sucking his thumb.)

(Meanwhile, Creed is trying to calm Mystique down. As if.)

"Now, honey, she's a grown woman and can make her own discussions."

"Who asked YOU?"

"Hey, babe, if you're looking fer a kid to look out for...."

"Ugh! Have you forgotten what happened last time you spawned?"

"That was not entirely my fault, Mysty. Besides, this kid could be a mutant."

"Actually, Sabretooth is right. The possibility of the two of you conceiving a child is at least one in four...."

"Shut UP, McCoy!"

"Ah dunno, Momma. Ah've always wanted a lil' brother or sister."

"ROGUE!"

"Just kiddin'."

*****************************


(and then Abyss jumped back in...)

Meanwhile, another peculiar group walks through the door...

"Tell me again why we're here, Dom."

"It's Caliban's Birtday, Nate, and you promised him..."

"I know, I know, but couldn't we have just done drive-through?"

"In a technologically advance flying armored personnel carrier?"

"Och, d'ye suppose they serve beer ere like they do back home?"

"I thought you quit drinking Terri."

"I did, James, but it's th'only way ta eat ere and survive, it is.."

"Rictor, this is not the place a warrior would choose to eat."

"C'mon, 'Star. You always said you wanted to die with honor."

"FriendSunspot... Caliban is sensing many mutants here."

"Are you sure its not just the food, Cal?"

"No friendbobby. Caliban thinks many xpeoples are here to wish him happybirthday!"

"Many x... uh oh.... umm Cable... maybe we want to eat somewhere else."

"We can't. I let Tabitha park the PACRAT and now we need to wait two hours for the auto-repairs to finish."

"Hey! Is it my fault? That mini-van came out of nowhere!"

"Tabitha... you landed on it."

"Well, the driver should have looked up."

"What driver? It was parked!"

"Oh, look, many many x-friends here for Caliban's party... hello friendLogan, hellofriendStorm, hellofriendsleepingmanonfloor... hello friendSabretooth...SABRETOOTH?!?!"

Everyone, all together now; "UH-OOOHHHH!!!"



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