Outtakes and Mistakes
by
Autumn
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Archive Rights: DDFH, WXF
Author's Notes: Fundie is short for Fundamentalist.
(Truck Scene Part 1)
Driving along a lonely highway in Canada, we enter the world of hitch hiking mutants and the good Samaritans that help them.
Rogue: You don't have anything to eat do you?
The Good Samaritan reaches over and flips open the glove compartment. He hands a packet of beef jerky to her.
Rogue: MEAT? What kind of a murderer are you? Do you have any idea what kind of cruel and unusual death these poor creatures go through?
The truck suddenly comes to a halt and the driver looks over, "Get out."
Rogue: Gladly!
She grabs her bag and jumps out. As the truck drives away she shouts, "I've got your license plate number mister, I'll sick PETA on your ass!"
* * * * *
Truck Scene Part Two
Rogue worriedly looks out the window as Logan careens down the highway at breakneck speeds. She turns to Logan, "You know, you should wear your seatbelt."
Logan: (clears throat) Look kid, (breaks into song) I don't care if it rains or freezes, as long as I've got my plastic Jesus riding on the dashboard of my car! Driving 90 it ain't scary, as long as I've got the Virgin Mary sittin' on the dashboard of my car-"
The song is interrupted as Rogue soundly thumps Logan over the head with the hockey stick conveniently located in his camper. The truck careens out of control and crashes into the studio where "Live Action Smurfs" is being filmed.
Bryan Singer: (running onto the set) Damnit! I told you to get rid of FundiLogan! We are never going to get this frickin' movie finished! Call that Hugh Jackman guy, even Show-tune-singin'-Wolvie is better than this guy is!
* * * * *
Train Scene Version One
Logan steps onto the train and makes his way down the aisle, looking for Rogue. Seeing her he settles himself into the seat next too her. "Hey kid, runnin' again?"
Rogue: I heard the professor was mad at me.
Logan: Well, yeah. I mean, you know two of his teachers had to fly out to get you. Then you scared the hell out of everybody when you nearly killed me. Not exactly getting off on the right foot eh?"
Rogue has burst into tears at this point.
Logan: Shit, that didn't help.
* * * * *
Train Scene Version Two
Magneto has entered the train and is approaching Logan and Rogue.
Logan, in a protective stance, is facing Magneto. "What the hell do you want with me?"
Magneto: All in good time my boy, all in good time. Rogue, shall we go?
Logan: Over my dead body.
Rogue gets up and starts going over toward Magneto. Logan puts an arm on her and turns her around with a questioning look on his face.
Logan: Rogue, where are you going?
Rogue: Oh, well you see, I'm actually part of the Brotherhood, and was just playing the part of a decoy to get you here and away from the X-Nerds so Mags here can get down to business.
Logan: Over my dead body.
Rogue: Fine. She turns towards him and pulls his head down for a life-sucking kiss. He drops unconsciously to the floor, and she turns towards the camera. "Take that Singer! That'll teach you to mess with canon again!"
Rogue and Magneto stroll out of the train leaving an unconscious Logan behind.
* * * * *
The Bedroom scene, take 1:
Logan is tossing and turning in his bed, when Rogue strolls over to investigate.
Rogue: Logan, Logan. Wake up!
Logan: hmmphh...
Rogue: (shaking him) Logan, wake up.
Logan: (half asleep) Do you know what happened to the last person who woke me from a nightmare?
Rogue: Uh, no?
Logan suddenly wakes. AHhhhhhHH!, *snikt* and three claws are buried in her chest. His vision clears and he looks at the girl impaled on his claws.
Logan: The same thing that just happened. Damn, history really does repeat itself eh?Ý
He retracts his claws and rolls over.
A dead Rogue falls to the ground.
Moral of the story: Don't friggin' wake a man having a nightmare when he has metal claws and hair-trigger reflexes.
* * * * *
Bedroom Scene Two:
Logan, (again) is having a nightmare. Rogue comes in to investigate.
Logan: (sleepily) No, no, tinky go away!
Rogue: Logan?
Logan: hmmmphh, tubbies. . . bad. . . no. . .
Rogue: Logan, wake up.
Rogue backs away from the bed and opens her mouth "Logan!"
Logan bolts upright. "Marie, why are you yelling at me?"
Rogue: Well you were having a nightmare and I needed to wake you up. I figured this is just a little safer than leaning over you and trying to get ya up.
Logan: Yeah, good call. You know Bryan, I mean Marie,
leaning over a guy with metal claws who is having a nightmare is a pretty stupid idea. I'm so glad you're intelligent. Smart women get me pretty hot, wanna wrassle?
Rogue: I would Logan, I would. But there's just one problem.
Logan: What's that?
Rogue: I never learned to read!
Logan: Uh, what does that have to do with wrasselin'?
Rogue: Nothing, I just had to tell somebody!
Logan: Um okay. I guess it's pretty convenient that you're at a school now huh?
Rogue: Oh yeah! I didn't think of that! She turns to leave the room humming "always look on the bright side of life!"
* * * * *
The Bar Scene:
Our young heroine enters a smoke-filled bar in Canada. She carefully scans the building and its patrons. She looks to the left, she looks to the right, she looks in a big frickin' metal cage-Bingo! A rather hairy man occupies the space in the cage. This is the one, she has found him. It's time to kick some ass.
"Oh boy! In all my years, I've never seen anything like this. Are you going to let this man walk away with your money?" the emcee inquired.
"No." came the reply from a soft, yet firmly resolved voice.
The Wolverine glances around the dive. He notices her walking toward him. Her dark hair, her graceful body, her sword? Well, this was different. He leered at her as she entered the cage. "Who the hell are you darlin'?"
"I am Xena, warrior princess!"
From the director's chair came an exasperated "Wrong set, Lucy."
"Oops. Carry on."
* * * * *
Bar Scene 2:
The defeated cage-fighter crept up behind the mighty Wolverine.
"You owe me. Nobody takes a beating like that without a mark to show for it."
"You lost your money, you keep this up, you'll lose something else. Stupid-head."
"Monkey-man."
"Neo-nazi, bootcamp-haircut reject!"
"WOLVERWEENI!"
At that Logan roared in anger and his claws leapt out of his hands. He pinned the other man to the wall and was about to say something when he felt a gloved hand smack him upside the head.
"Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Watch where you point those things, you could poke someone's eye out! Honestly, what were you thinking?" the little lady from the south admonished him.
Logan looked thoroughly crestfallen. He pondered the question. "Oh uh, the problem was, I wasn't thinking."
"That's what I thought. Now drop and give me 20!" Rogue commanded.
"Yes Ma'am!" Logan and Neo-nazi reject boy shouted at once. They dropped to the ground and did Rogue's bidding.
* * * * *
Driving along a lonely road in Canada:
Rogue: You know, you should wear your seatbelt.
Wolverine: What the hell for?
Rogue: Well you see, acording to the Statstical Institute of Automobile Accident Compolations and The Greater Northwestern Regional Sperm Bank Donors Association, men who regularly wear their seatbelts are less likely to be injured in a high impact collision, and they have a higher sperm count.
Wolverine: (clicks belt into place) Oh, I didn't know that. Uh, thanks.
Rogue: Anytime, big guy!
* * * * *
Post Accident:
Rogue: Logan!
Logan: Kid are you all right?
Rogue: I'm stuck!
Logan: (rolls eyes) God, what the hell are you, the world's most helpless chick? You can't even unbuckle your seatbelt by yourself? How far in life do you think you'll go is someone has to hold your hand through everything huh? Well I'll tell ya. Not fuckin' far! You won't get anywhere if you let people do everything for you. Then, you'll get married to a guy that fawns over ya all the damn time. Pretty soon, you'll start feeling unhappy and unfulfilled. You'll go into an existential quandry trying desperately trying to grasp the elusive idea. It'll dawn on you that ya married the wrong guy, and you'll have an affair. He'll find out, dump your ass, and take you to court. You'll play the damn helpless woman role, and the jury will award ya a nice big fat slice of alimoney pie. That'll last ya awhile, then you'll sucker some other poor sap into the same thing, and the fuckin' cycle will continue. So, with that said, get yourself out of the damn seat yourself!
Rogue: Um, I can't. And what the hell is wrong with you? Oh wait, I know. You were hurt by somebody once in your life. It tore ya up real bad and now you lash out at everyone that gets remotely close to you. You aren't really angry with me, but you are projecting your emotions and thoughts onto me and using the seatbelt and myself as a conduit to vent your frustrations. You feel a deep and longing pang to connect with someone in this life, but you are too scared to act on it. So instead, you say hurtful things, and replacing feeling with sarcasam and pseudo-psychological profiling.
Sabretooth has crept up on the pair, but has been held captive by their debate.
Logan: No, no that's not true. And what the hell do you know anyway? You're just a stupid little kid. And you have bad teeth.
Rogue: My teeth are fine goddamit! And who are you to be picking on people and their appearances? You look like an escaped mental patient from a really bad '80s horror film! And what's with you, I thought you had enhanced senses.
Logan: I do!
Rogue: Then why aren't you doing anything about the overgrown housecat standing behind you?
Sabretooth: Hey, don't go dragging me into this, little girl. I have problems too! I suffer from esteem issues!
Logan: No you don't. You walk around like a big dick all the time, ya dick!
Sabretooth: That's just to mask my underlying sense of self hatred and depression.
Rogue: Poor baby, you know prozac can help with that.
Sabretooth: But, I don't have the courage to go to a doctor, for I'm afraid I'll be laughed at and mocked!
Rogue: Sweetie, nobody will do that! I won't let them. If you help me out of this truck I'll take you to a doctor!
Sabretooth: Would you? Would you really?
Rogue: Yes, I would.
Sabretooth goes over and wrenched the seatbelt conector apart and frees Rogue.
Logan: You know, all this talk about sacrificing and general do-gooding makes me want to change my rough ways. Rogue, do you think its in your heart to help me?
Rogue: Why of course sugar! That's what us Southern girls do best!
Sabretooth, Logan and Rogue all join hands and merrily skip down the snow covered road. They venture into an unknown future with hearts full of hope, joy, and repenting feelings.Ý
* * * * *
The Statue of Liberty:
Logan flew up to the ring of light. He landed in front of a surprised Magneto, who turned to address the feral man.
"I see they sent the Wolverine to do their bidding."
"Hey bub, I came on my own." Logan snarled.
"Really? And you know what I can do to you? Are you a glutton for punishment, a masochist perhaps?" Magneto questioned in a curious tone.
"Yes, yes, and you're insane."
"Au contraire. I happen to have several distinguished degrees. Certainly, a man with my credentials cannot be completely insane?"
"The degree from Psycho U doesn't count. As for your sanity, I'm no psychobabbler, and I ain't gonna analyze your personality."
"HELLO! Would you two knock it off already and decide what my future is gonna be? I mean, either way it sucks. Either I mutate the world leaders and die, or Logan kicks Magneto's ass, saves my life, nearly kills himself in the process, leaves me with a huge crush, and a guilt complex to rival any good Catholic's while he goes away for an extended vacation! From there, it could only get worse." Rogue dramatically concluded.
Logan and Magento just stared at each other.
"Being a man of honor, I'll flip you for it. Call it in the air Wolverine."
"Tails."
The coin comes down with heads up. Logan shrugs his shoulders, "Fair enough. Sorry Marie."
"It's okay, Logan I understand. Good luck finding your past." Rogue stated.
"Thanks, uh take it easy kid." The Canadian mumbled before jumping off the statue and leaving Rogue to Magneto.
* * * * *
The Statue of Liberty, take two
Logan walks up to an unconscious Rogue. He cuts her loose from Magneto's machine and sinks to the ground with her.
"Aw, come on kid, wake up."
Rogue doesn't move so Logan shakes her a little bit. "C'mon kid, wake up."
Nothing. An idea pops into his head. He lays the girl down, and bends over her. He brings his head down and angles his mouth towards hers.
"STOP!" The fearless leader suddenly cried out.
"Logan, you idiot. This isn't "Sleeping Beauty," its "Kiss of Death! Jesus man, didn't you read the script. Do you KNOW what her mutation is?"
"Yes. I am fully aware of the consequences of my actions. I am cognizant and of sound mind and body. I am thoroughly capable of making my own decisions."
"Did you sign the liability release forms?"
"Yes."
"Okay. Carry on then."
* * * * *
Back to Logan, Rogue and Sabretooth
"You know Marie, in our haste to skip off to the doctor, we failed to realize that we were on an isolated road in the middle of bumfuck Canada."
"Wolverine, I'd appreciate it if you would refrain from cussing. It makes me feel bad." Sabretooth confided.
"And why the hell should I care about you're feelings? Did you care about the emotional and psychological torment that I went through back when I was younger? No. Did you even care that smashing that tree through my damn truck inflicted massive amounts of pain onto my poor body? No. Screw ya, you're an ass."
"Logan, things were different then. He only did those things because he hadn't truly gotten in touch with his inner self, isn't that right sweetie?" Marie asked, and directed the last statement to the big housecat.
"Yeah, Logan. I am sorry about your truck." Creed shyly said.
"Can ya forgive him? Please?" Marie pleaded.
"Oh all right, but if you do it again, I'm gonna kick your mangy ass!"
"I swear I won't. Boy Scout's honor." Creed solemnly swore.
"You were in the boy scouts?" Marie queried.
"Yes, and its a sad tale."
"What was it like kittyboy?"
Suddenly Sabretooth began crying. Marie and Logan stopped walking and crouched down into the snow with the whimpering kittycat.
"I think, (sniffle) that's where (sniff) my esteem issues come from!" he blubbered out.
Marie moved towards him to comfort him and Logan sighed. This was going to be a long, strange trip indeed. . .
* * * * *
Scene: Logan has just entered Professor Xavier's Office.
Charles: Ah Logan. I'm Professor Xavier. Would you like some tea and crumpets?
Logan: Do I fuckin' look like I want some of that English shit?
Charles: Not really. So, what's up?
Logan: Where's the girl?
Charles: Girl? What girl. We have a lot of girls, don't assume we only have one. When you assume, you make an ass out of you and me.
Logan: Rogue dickhead.
Charles: Rogue Dicknead? I don't believe I've heard of her.
Logan: Fine. Her. Name. Is. Rogue. You. Are. The. Dickhead. Do. I. Make. Myself. Clear?
Charles: Oh, THAT Rogue. She's here, she's fine.
Logan: Where?
Charles: Well I'm not actually sure at the moment. Let me check, the student schedules. (Mumbling to self) Let's see, 10AM, trauma one. Lunch, 1PM, more trauma, 3 PM more trauma, 10P-4AM Get stabbed by Logan, run off, get kidnapped by Magneto and almost die, be saved by Logan, and back home and well by 8 AM. (To Logan) No idea.
The door opens and the mutants known as Cyclops, Windy and Jean Grey entered the room.
Charles: "Ah Logan, I believe you've already been felt up by Dr. Jean Grey. And this is Scott "stick-up-the-ass Summers, and Ororo lame-line Monroe. They kidnapped you and brought you here."
Logan: "What the hell for?"
Charles: " Well, it's been somewhat boring here lately. What with the sentinels and other baddies not being included in the script. So, we needed a plot device that would bring you here without too many questions being asked."
Logan: "What kinds of questions? Who wants to know? Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego? "Why?"
Professor Xavier: "Logan, calm down. Thank these two damnit, they saved your life."
Logan crosses over to the other three. Scott sticks out his hand. Logan takes it and starts shaking. He releases Logan, and grinning hold up his hand to reveal a 'joy buzzer.'
Jean: Scott! You know he has a metal skeleton!
Logan: What?! Come here you little fucker.
With that Scott takes off and Logan gives chase.
Professor Xavier: Well that went over well.
* * * * *
The Prison Scene:
"So Erik, dropped the soap yet?"
"Must you be so childish Charles?"
(Mimicking Erik) "Must you be so childish?"
"Really Charles, your antics are quite unamuseing, would you please just move?"
"Ahha! Checkmate! I win! Oh yeah!" At this point, Charles gets up to perform a victory dance.
"What the hell? I thought you were paralyzed!"
"Oh that. Well, uh no, I'm just really, really lazy."
"I should kill you now, just for general principle."
"No need for that Erik. Besides you couldn't if you wanted to."
"Oh really, and what makes you assume that?"
"Well, I won the chess game, and knocked over your king. It's symbolic."
"Symbolic of what? It's a stupid piece of plastic!"
"Symbolic of good vs, evil. It gives me the right to do whatever I damn well please, and still be loved by the masses because I'm the 'good guy.'
"Chess is such a stupid game."
"You're the one who wanted to play it, I opted for 'Pretty Pretty Princes."
"Well what kind of a choice is that? Honestly, plastic men or plastic necklaces?"
"Hey, some starving kids in Canada do not even have the luxury of playing with plastic games. Don't knock it."
"Knock it Charles?"
"Yes, Erik you old fart. It means to dis, insult, or hurtle verbal insults at it. It's a very ghetto word."
"Ghetto? What, are you into speaking ebonics now?"
"Hell yeah, mo fo. I'll put a cap in your ass and bust up your crib homey, all right?!"
Bryan Singer: CUT! Patrick, that is just not going to work. We can not have a Ghetto Fabulous professor. It'd be like having a Captain Picard with hair all right.
Patrick Stewart: Break yourself fool!
Ian McKellan: What?
Patrick Stewart: (rolling eyes) Piss off. Screw you guys, I'm going home. Enterprise. . .
* * * * *
"You'll never get me Copper!"
Toad, Sabretooth and Magneto emerge from some building. . .
Charles: Where are you going Erik?
Magneto: I am going to my house.
Charles: Are you taking, your big mouse?
Magneto: He's a toad you stupid louse.
Charles: Stupid louse? Stupid louse?!
Magneto: A stupid louse you've always been.
Charles: I have not, you piece of tin.
Magneto: A piece of tin You're such a child.
Charles: But unlike you, my maner is mild.
Magneto: Mild mannered you may be, but I'll win the war, just wait and see.
Charles: Wait and see I will indeed, but for now I've got to pee!
And Charles takes off. . .
* * * * *
The Truck Scene:
Rogue: You don't have anything to eat?
Logan: Yeah, there's some dead cow sinew in the glovebox.
Rogue: Eww! I wouldn't feed that too a fox!Ý
Logan: Would you eat it with a fox?
Rogue: I would not eat it with a fox!
Logan: Would you eat it with some lox?
Rogue: I would not eat it with some lox!
Logan: Would you eat it in a truck?
Rogue: I would not eat it with a fox. I would not eat it with some lox! I would not eat it in a truck! I-
Logan: Fine. I don't really give a fuck.
* * * * *
The Truck Scene:
"Get out."
"The first boy I ever kissed was in a coma for three weeks."
"Aggghhhh (choked scream)"
"It was an accident."
"You're a dick."
* * * * *
Statue of Liberty:
Rogue screaming inside the death trap: "AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"
"We've gotta get her out of there."
"She's all right, she's just upset."
* * * * *
Storm's Classroom, held in Cerebro: (The Deleted Scene)
Storm: "Do you know what happens to a toad when it's struck by lightning?"
St. John: "Well, his entire body is laced with ademantuim. It's been grafted to his entire skeleton....."
Bobby: "I think I have a pretty good idea."
Storm: "Shall I demonstrate?"
Rogue: "A bolt of lightening into huge a copper conductor? I thought this was a school."
* * * * *
On the Train...
"You must be the Wolverine"
"My heart belongs to someone else."
"The war is comeing."
"Get out."
"Do you really think you can stop me?"
*Snikt*
"Young people."
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