Lazarus Undone
by
darkstar


Disclaimer: But Mommy, I'm just playing with the toys! I'll put them back, honest!

Archive: just drop me a note and let me know where :)

Author's Notes: I really didn't intend to annoy you all again this soon, but I read a tremendous a tremendous character death trilogy and had to let out the pain somehow. I couldn't find the authors name but the stories can be found at this address : http://www.xmenfiction.cjb.com/archive.html

Their names are "Wounded", "Lady Lazarus" (which inspired this little ditty) and "How to Be In Love Forever". Read them and weep. I did.

---

come with me, brother,
three days into the underground.
do not be afraid of the darkness for I have
walked it many times before.
we are searching for the light,
the fallen light of one taken before her time.
oh you all pitied so when you saw my face
after you told me of her death.
you must have heard my heart breaking.
you must have heard my soul crack top to bottom
and shatter around the memories of her.
but i saw the accusations behind your sympathy.

( if you had been here, she would not have died.
you might have healed, might have saved. . . .)

show me how she died.
do not tell me you are sorry.
do not stare with fish-wide eyes at my tears
because they are the first in my memory.
just recreate her last breath.
pick up the gun and place it over my heart,
blow me away just as she was destroyed,
trying to wear your hero shoes.
you who claim to save the world.
you cannot even protect her innocence.
was that so much for me to ask of you?
yet i know the truth and it eats me alive every night.

( she was never theirs to protect, brother.
you were her savior, and you left her alone.)

take me to her grave,
at midnight when the moon is full.
do not stay to watch me mourn her soul, for this
is an intimacy for her and I alone.
i am searching for a sign, a falling star
to guide me through the Valley of Shadow.
i will make a pilgrimage to death's holy land
on my hands and on my knees.
you know i have seen him many times.
you know i always come back without scars, so
why cannot i tear her from his grip?
even though this night i will die many times trying.

( i will spill my blood a hundred different ways.
perhaps it may seduce him to return her breath.)

come with me, brother,
three days into the mouth of hell.
do not be afraid of the fire for my soul has
burned many times before.
I am seared to the core but not broken.
I will not turn back until I find her here.
none of you will understand this journey,
you who live and die only once.
you cannot imagine the terror of the darkness
you cannot conceive how the grave dirt smothers
until the soul cannot even scream.
I hear her scream, always and forever in a dream.

( Or is this all a dream and will I awaken
and hear her say she loved me too? i think not.)

so come and watch me die.
and do not be afraid.
I am Lazarus, back from the grave.
I am Lazarus, cursed to resurrect.

I am Lazarus and I am undone.



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