By the Numbers
by
Denise Keppel



DISCLAIMER: All characters mentioned belong to Marvel Comics. The story is the author's. Put those lawyers away, no copyright infringement has been intended.




I hate this time of night. I lay in bed, thrashing from side to side, trying to think about sleep, to block the thoughts of HIM out of my mind. I can't stop thinking, I can't.

Take some numbers. Add them together. Square them. Divide them by something else. Compute pi to the thousandth place. Do something. Don't just let HIM dominate your thoughts. Just start counting if you can't do anything else.

One. I am one person. An only child.

Three. Three minutes. That's how long it took after I left for my parents to forget me.

Eighteen. That was how old I was when I met Pete.

I punch my pillow, failing to distract myself. He was the first man to love me back and the first to show me love. The two of us used to lay tangled together in bed sharing ourselves, our dreams, laughter, hopes and fears. He used to make me guess what we going to do for my next birthday, only letting me know he had something wonderful planned.

And we were happy for one hundred and ninety-three days.

This time I get out of bed. I'm not going to think about him. Not now, not ever. I broke his heart in two, three, a million pieces.

Numbers aren't my friends, I realize. Every one of them reminds me of him. If only he hadn't been so proud of my brain, my ability to understand math, computers, Star Trek, everything I had always believed that a man didn't like in a woman. He was proud of everything that I could do well. He challenged me to do better in the areas I was weakest at.

Fuck it. I'm not going to sleep tonight, not without help at least. Carefully, I sneak down the stairs, avoiding the eighth step. No matter how many times they rebuild this place, some things stay the same.

Logan showed me where he hid the whiskey. A few sips of that and I'll be ready to relax. My hands shake as I grab the bottle. Will I always see Pete everywhere on nights like tonight?

I gulp the drink down and pour myself another shot. It's something that might work. Hopefully. Doubtfully. I take another.

Why did I break up with him? It was something about feelings for another guy... wanting to feel younger... wanting to.... I sigh as I try to figure out the truth. Something truthful, not the excuse I offer when people ask.

It wasn't that I wasn't happy or he wasn't happy. It wasn't that we didn't click or find things in common. I loved my time with him, I dreaded the thought that it would end. Taking another shot, I remember how everything good in my life ended sooner or later. People just wind up hurting you.

Rachel exchanged herself for Brian. Illyana died of Legacy. Doug was shot. One set of grandparents died in Israel during a terrorist attack. The other set died in a car wreck. My dad's a living dead man. Storm and Logan let me believe they were dead. And my mother? She's as dead to me as she would be if she was in a coffin. Eleven people who were important to me left me, and I'm tired of it.

That pierces my drink-addled brain. I'm tired of being left, so I left him. The thought strikes my fancy so hard that I start to laugh. Laughing, I drop the bottle. The shattering of glass wakes up Logan.

I try to explain it to him as I clean up. "It's in the numbers. It's all in the numbers." I see his troubled look. "I was left so often I had to leave Pete," my words slur together. How much did I have to drink? I lost count.

Logan helps me up to my room as what I said kicks in. I was one with Pete. The two of us created something new -- a couple. Then, I stopped believing in him, and that left us alone.

It's my birthday today, I realize as I look at the clock. I'm twenty and one and drunk as a skunk, and the only thing I know is that numbers aren't my friends. My friends let me pretend that everything is okay. Numbers don't lie.



All references to characters belonging to the X-Men Universe are (c) and TM the Marvel Comics Group, 20th Century Fox and all related entities. All rights reserved. Any reproduction, duplication or distribution of these materials in any form is expressly prohibited. No money is being made from this archive. All images are also (c) and TM the Marvel Comics Group, 20th Century Fox and all related entities; they are not mine. This website, its operators and any content used on this site relating to the X-Men are not authorized by Marvel, Fox, etc. I am not, nor do I claim to be affiliated with any of these entities in any way.