Aftermath
by
Elizabeth Wilde
DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of these characters. They are all copyright... Marvel and/or Twentieth Century Fox and possibly even other places or people. Point is, not mine. I make no money from this site and I don't have any to give, so there's no point in suing.
I guess I've always believed in God or Goddess or some sort of higher power guiding us all, helping us find our path and follow it. After Scott died, I knew it for sure. I know most people question their faith after such a loss. It cemented mine. If there weren't someone out there watching out for me, his death would have killed me. Or I would have killed myself.
Maybe it's self-centered of me, but I can't imagine that anyone has ever felt a loss like I felt when Scott died. It was more than losing the man I've loved for more years than I care to count, it was losing a part of myself. He was a part of me and I was part of him right down to our thoughts. I can barely stand trying to sleep now without the comforting flow of his emotions and dreams entwined with mine. My mind is so quiet and alone it drives me crazy sometimes.
Logan helps. We talk a lot. And we don't talk a lot. We sit and know together. He wouldn't show anyone else what he saw that day, not even the professor. Just me. He told me it was too personal to show anyone else. He knew I needed it.
Most of the time I manage to block the memory-Logan's memory-of that day. I manage to not think of Scott lying dead. I never saw his eyes until I looked into Logan's mind that day. I'm not sure if having seen them is good or bad. The image haunts me, but I'm glad I got to see them.
I think of him everyday when I wake up and every night when I go to sleep, cliched though it is. He's always with me. There's never going to be anyone else who could take his place or even come close. My heart belongs to Scott. It always will.
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Jeannie's got to be the strongest person I've ever known. I've been watching her these past few months. I watched her pull the pieces together. I watched her go back to teaching the week after Scott died. I watch her working every day to make it to the next day. I've seen her cry and smile and rail against the bastard who took away the man she loves.
And she does still love him, God knows. I don't think she'll ever love anybody else, at least not that way. I mean, she loves Xavier, she loves the kids, even loves me. We're her family. That's fine by me. I used to want more, to think of her differently, but now she's like... well, like a sister would still sound a little kinky, but she's probably my best friend except maybe for Rogue.
Whether I wanna admit it or not, I cared about Scott. Respected him, more like. He was a good guy, a good leader. He knew what he wanted, and he was willing to give everything to go after it. Did give everything.
My old nightmares, the dreams about being sliced open and ripped into, are gone now. I dream about Scott's staring blue eyes and his torn body. When I'm awake, I know it wasn't my fault. My dreams just aren't quite as advanced, I guess. It's Jeannie who helps most with that. She knows better than my own mind that I tried, and she's not afraid to tell me so. She reminds me that I couldn't have done more than I did, that I had no way of knowing what would happen. She keeps the guilt from eating me up, and I'll love her forever for it.
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