Missing
by
Elizabeth Wilde
DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of these characters. They are all copyright... Marvel and/or Twentieth Century Fox and possibly even other places or people. Point is, not mine. I make no money from this site and I don't have any to give, so there's no point in suing.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Once again the Indigo Girls provide me a bunny. The song used here is "Don't Give That Girl a Gun" from their Shaming of the Sun album. If you don't know the song, you should. It's amazing. And it made me think of Logan and Rogue. So...
She's got a case against me,
A jury of my peers
And the rage of the righteous
Screaming in her ears.
I'm not dignified anymore
I can't say I didn't call
I say I love you
She don't hear me anymore.
I didn't exactly expect a warm, fuzzy reunion after so much time, but I expected more. Well, less anger and more happiness. A hug or something. I don't know. I didn't expect the painful minutes of stony silence with those dark eyes staring right through me.
"It's been four years, Logan."
I nodded. Not my most brilliant response to anything ever, but it was all I could think to do. "Yeah. Four years."
Four long years. Four years of finding out the few things I thought I knew about myself were wrong, of discovering memories only to have them torn down and proved false. Four years of hell. Four years without Marie. Damned if I thought much about it when I walked out the door of the school, but she was the first one I'd let in for a damn long time, that scrawny, scared little kid.
Four long years and now she's a woman. A quiet, dark woman who is more beautiful than Jean ever was.
"Why did you come back?"
That one really caught me off guard. There were a million reasons, and almost all of them were about her. Of course, I came lookin' for the kid I left, the one I promised to look out for. I was prepared for that. I knew Marie. Rogue's a mystery. A mystery I'd love to spend the rest of my life solving. But that sure as hell wasn't the time to say so.
"I told you I'd come back. I promised."
She snorted and shook her head. "You promised." Offering me a sad, bitter smile, she walked away and I stood staring after her with my mouth hanging open and the scorn in her voice ringing in my ears.
I made a bad connection
She says I went astray
I jumped ship abandoned my post.
I didn't think I lost my way,
But oh how the mighty fall.
I saw her crack a smile
I don't got a chance for redemption
She don't believe in the miracle mile.
I talked to Jean after that, tried to get some kind of insight into what might've happened to make my little Marie into Rogue, cold and untouchable.
"It's been four years, Logan," she replied, eyes sad and voice reproachful.
"Dammit, I know that!" I yelled, immediately sorry when she flinched and leaned back in her chair. "Damn, Jeannie, I'm sorry, but... but what happened to her?"
"Life, Logan. Four years of life as a mutant among mutants." Jean bit her lip, sighed, and then began relating to me how Rogue, under Mystique's influence-somethin' left over from her contact with Magneto-had stolen the powers of Miss Marvel. Rogue had super strength and she could fly. And she still couldn't touch anyone. And she'd missed me every day I was gone. "I know you care for Rogue, but for her it was far more than just-"
"It was for me too," I interrupted gruffly. "I didn't know it was, but the longer I was away... she's been one of the only things in my life that felt good and was real."
Jean nodded. "You're the only person who's touched her on purpose, unless you count Magneto. It's probably the most intimate thing she's ever experienced."
I nodded then, understanding but too ashamed of ever having left Marie to speak. You don't do that shit to the people you love. "Think she'll ever feel that again?"
"Love?" Jean asked, knowing from the way my eyes jerked suddenly up from the floor that she'd hit the nail on the head. "I hope so. But it won't be easy. You left and you stayed gone, and she didn't think you were coming back. She'd gotten... used to the idea of being alone."
"But she isn't al-"
"She is in her mind, and that's worse than physical loneliness ever could be."
"Dammit. I shouldn't've left 'er."
Jean's voice was gentler now, any resentment out of her system. "You might never have realized how much she means to you if you hadn't."
"Yeah, maybe not." I leveled my gaze on her. "Now all I've gotta do is convince her again."
I said, "Hold me closer
'Cause something's happening.
Why can't we come together?"
She said, "I doubt we ever will
Ever will again."
When I knocked on Rogue's door, I wasn't sure I'd hit the wood hard enough for anyone inside to hear. My hand was almost shaking. Then the door swung open and one of Rogue's friends--Jubilee, I remembered--stood just inside. She glanced over her shoulder, then back at me. "Good luck," she said before quickly edging past me and walking out of the room.
I spotted Rogue sitting in front of the window, staring out. She didn't move as I approached. "Hey." Nothing. "Marie?"
"Rogue." She still stared out the window.
"Rogue," I started, then realized I still didn't have any idea what to say, "just hear me out, okay? I didn't-"
"Don't, Logan."
She still wouldn't turn around, and it was really getting to me. Kneeling in front of her, I grabbed the gloved hands in mine, praying that would be enough to at least make her look at me. "I never wanted to hurt you, Ma-Rogue."
"Stop it!" Her eyes were on me then, dark and angry. I wondered how much of that anger was mine, if anything of me was still with her. "You don't owe me anything. Ah may be a mutant, but Ah'm not a charity case."
"Rogue-"
"Just leave, Logan." She pulled her hands away and crossed her arms over her chest. "Go. Ah don't need you to protect me. Ah don't need you at all."
The words stung like a thousand needles being driven into my heart, and it was a moment before I could take another breath. I stood up and paused, stalling. I knew there had to be one right, perfect thing to tell her. I just didn't know what it was. "I love you."
"Ah don't care." She turned to the window and let her hands fall back into her lap. "Just go."
There was nothing more to do. I need her more than anything, love her more than I ever have anyone, and she wanted me to leave. So I left.
The first shot baby it'll be real clean
I'm your girl strong and mean.
Second shot baby it'll be real cool
I'm your fool.
Jubilee slipped into the room she shared with Rogue hesitantly. She didn't want to walk in on some passionate reunion. As the door creaked open, she saw Rogue. Alone. Crying. A surge of anger passed through her. "What the hell did he do to you?" She sat down on Rogue's bed and wrapped an arm around her friend's shoulders.
"Nothin'," Rogue sniffed, shaking her head. "It was me. Ah made him leave."
"Leave? After four years of crying yourself to sleep and whining to me about how you couldn't live without him, you made him LEAVE?" Jubilee pulled back to peer at Rogue. "Are you nuts? We've gotta go find him and-"
"He left the school. Ah know he did." Rogue lifted tearful eyes to regard Jubilee. "It's what ah would've done."
"But that doesn't mean-"
"It does. Ah know him." The tears began again, but silently this time. "He's gone."
Jubilee heaved a sigh. "Why did you make him leave in the first place?"
Rogue bit her lip. "Ah don't know. Maybe... maybe Ah wanted to tell him to go away before he could leave again."
"I know this sounds harsh, but... that's stupid," Jubilee told her friend bluntly.
Rogue almost smiled. "Yeah, it is. It's probably the stupidest thing Ah ever did. Maybe even dumber'n the things Bobby does sometimes." The moment of light died away and she closed her eyes against the tears. "Damn, I miss him."
"Then find him, Rogue. Don't let him get away this time!"
"Ah think Ah already did, Jubes." Her gaze trailed back to the window. "Ah think Ah already did."
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