Jeopardy - X-Men Style
Karen and Terri

Disclaimer: Jeopardy is owned by Merv Griffin, the X-Men by Marvel & Fox, while we sit here with nada - no fair!

Archive Rights: Peep Hut, Dolphin Haven and anywhere else our previous fics are - anyone else, please ask first.

Feedback: Please? With a cherry on top? Good, bad, and ugly welcome.

Author's Notes: Special 'Guest' appearance by Dame Edna - for those of you who don't know who that is - it's the 'alter ego' of Australian actor Barry Humphries.

Jeopardy theme music plays, we see Logan, Jubilee and Scott behind the podiums on stage. The camera pans to the host, Alex Trebek, who looks completely exasperated.

Alex: We're back from commercial break and I apologize to our female audience, but the censors have made Logan put his shirt back on. After all this isn't HBO.

Jubilee: And you wonder why ratings are on the decline.

Logan just shrugs and defiantly leaves several buttons of his shirt undone anyway, exposing his chest hair much to the delight of the female studio audience members and one guy named Stanford.

Alex: Now onto the next clue. Logan, God help us, but I believe it's still your choice.

Logan: I'll take "Government Bastards" for a thousand.

Alex: We don't have that category.

Logan (shrugs shoulders): Well you should.

Alex: Okay, let's go with "Potent Potables" for two hundred. This metal is supposedly indestructible.

Logan: What is Chuck's platinum American Express card?

Alex: You need to signify you wish to answer by pressing your buzzer.


Alex: You've already given your answer, so it's too late now and besides, it's incorrect.

Jubilee: No, he's right. The Professor's card sure takes a lot of hits and hasn't disintegrated yet.

Scott (indicating Jubilee): And Lord knows she's tried.

Jubilee: I can't be expected to wear the same clothes all the time. We're the X-Men, not the Simpson's.

Alex: Fine, whatever, but that's not the answer we were looking for. I'll give you a hint. It's in the body of one of you.

Logan: Scooter's got a metal rod shoved up his ass, but I don't know what alloy it's made outta.

Scott: Well at least my knuckles don't drag on the ground when I walk.

Logan: The only reason you have perfect posture is 'cause of that pole.

Scott (lunging for Logan): Why you little..........

Jubilee who's at the center podium between them puts her hands on both of their chests to keep them separated and then begins moving her hands in caressing circular motions.

Logan: Hey, Jubes!

Jubilee(feigning innocence): Woops, sorry 'bout that.

Jubilee reluctantly removes her hands and lets out a big sigh along with the rest of the female audience and Stanford.

Alex: Let's move on to "Likeable Things" for four hundred.

Logan: Marie.

Alex: I haven't given you the clue yet.

Logan: Yeah, but Marie's definitely lickable.

Alex: The category is "Likeable Things" not lickable.

Scott (with a wicked grin): I agree with Logan. Marie's definitely lickable.

Logan (lunging for Scott): Why you little............

Jubilee throws herself at Logan to stop him charging at Scott and they end up on the floor in a compromising position. The female audience and Stanford start screaming. Marie comes out from backstage and pulls Jubilee off of Logan.

Marie: What have I warned you about keeping your paws offa Logan?

Jubilee (holds up her hands in a 'stop' motion): Jesus, chica keep your gloves on.

A security guard comes on stage and hauls away a spitting and hissing Marie.

Alex (shaking his head): For the love of Pete, where were we?

Scott: "Lickable Things".

Alex: That's.......oh, never mind. Let's go with "Things You Should Never Put In Your Mouth" for five hundred.

Scott: Logan's dick.

Stanford yells from the audience, "Oh, I would." And winks at Logan. Marie runs over and slaps Stanford before being subdued by a security guard.

Stanford (in an excitable voice): Ooh, she's quite the little dominatrix, isn't she?

Logan does the eyebrow thing and several women in the audience have to be revived by paramedics who were standing by for just that particular situation.

Alex (between clenched teeth): Can we please get back to the game?

Scott: Who's winning?

Alex: You're all in the negative, as hard as that is to believe. Jubilee, chose a category.

Jubilee: Let's go with "Who's Mutation Is It" for four hundred.

Alex: This mutant controls the wind.

Logan: That ain't Scooter that's for sure - breaks wind, yeah.

Scott: Speaking of things that smell bad, when was the last time you went to the groomer's you big hairball?

Logan: Well, last time I was in the medlab your fianc»e gave me a sponge bath.

Somewhere off stage we hear Marie say, 'Why you little bitch. I'm gonna rip every dyed red hair outta your head'.

We hear Jean's ear piercing scream followed by someone yelling, 'That's it, we're using the stun gun.' followed by a loud zapping noise.

Alex (in a pleading voice): Can we please get this humiliation train back on track?

Jubilee: I'll take X-Men code names for three hundred.

Alex: Oh goodie. You shouldn't mess this one up too badly. The Fearless Leader of the X-Men goes by this code name.

All three contestants stand there with blank looks on their faces.

Alex: Perhaps you'd care to give this a shot, Mr. Summers. A wild guess, maybe.

Jubilee (raising her hand and waving frantically): Ooh, ooh. I got it. Pick me. I know the answer.

Alex: Just press your buzzer. Oh, never mind. What's your guess?

Jubilee: Who's the hottie we'd all like to BLEEP! (The censor's buzzer has sounded)

Scott: Wow, I'd like to be *that* guy.

Jubilee (addressing Scott): You're not too bright are you?

Logan lights up a cigar and begins puffing.

Alex: This is a non-smoking building.

Logan: Blow me.

Alex: They're not paying me enough to be the ringmaster of this circus.

And he stomps off the set.

Announcer: Hopefully we'll be right back with Double Jeopardy.

Theme music begins.

Return from commercial break to see Alex back at the podium, dollar bills sticking out of his coat pockets. Also, Marie has replaced Jubilee, scratching her name out and writing in 'Rogue'.

Alex: I see that we have a new contestant.

Marie: Hi there sugar. Jubes offered to trade with me.

Jubilee (from off stage): Offered? You said you'd suck my life out if I didn't get away from your man!

Marie (glares in her direction): Like I was saying, I'm taking over for Jubes.

Logan (leering a bit): Hey, darlin'. You smell good.

Alex: Good God, it's Jeopardy, not the Dating Game, people. Let's just get on with the new categories for Double Jeopardy, shall we?

Scott (flirty): Hi Rogue.

Logan: You stay away from her!

Scott: I guess you don't like it when someone flirts with your girl! The shoe's on the other foot now, isn't it! Ha!

Alex: Ahem! Double Jeopardy? Ring any bells? Now then, let's move on to the categories. We have - Historical Women, Things that begin with 'H' - and Lord knows I don't even want to go there with this bunch -

Logan: Hooters?

Alex (ignoring him): - Geography, Famous Quotations, and - oh Lord, who put that one in here? - and lastly, another round of Likeable Things. Likeable, people, not lickable, all right? Let's try to remember that, shall we?

Rogue (gazing at Logan below the belt): I already know what my favorite lickable thing is...

Alex: They *still* aren't paying me enough for this. Logan, please begin the round by selecting a category.

Logan: I'll take hysterical women for $200.

Alex: That's historical - oh, never mind. This woman is said to have -

Rogue (buzzing in): I know! I know! Jean!

Alex: Your answer must be in the form of a question. It must also make some semblance of sense.

Rogue: But Jean's always hysterical - she's permanently bitchy and she's always ranting and raving about something.

Scott: Now, come on, Jean does have some redeeming qualities. (Everyone looks at him in shocked silence for a moment, then they all burst out laughing.) OK, OK, I take that back.

Alex: 'Jean' is not the correct answer. Perhaps you would, for once, allow me to finish the question. This woman is said to have sewn the first American flag.

Rogue (buzzing in again): I know!

Alex (sighing): You need not yell out that you know each time you ring the buzzer. The sound of the buzzer informs us all that you wish to answer the question. Unfortunately, you have already attempted an answer to this question, so you will have to wait until the next question. Now then, does anyone else have an answer?

(Scott and Logan look at Alex blankly. Rogue rolls her eyes and taps her foot, then leans into Logan's side and whispers something in his ear.)

Logan (buzzing in): Booby Ross.

Rogue (giggling): Betsy, not Booby!

Logan: Sorry, darlin'. Hard to keep my mind offa your, uh, assets when you're standin' this close to me.

Scott: Betsy? Is that our Betsy? I didn't think she could sew....

Alex: Please phrase your answer in the form of a question.

Logan: What?

Scott: You know, I never saw that side of Betsy before. Makes her seem so much more...I don't know - attractive or something. You have to like a woman with old-fashioned domestic skills. And a strappy leather costume.

Alex: Oh, never mind! I'll give you credit for that answer. (under his breath) God knows it's as close as we'll get to a correct answer from this bunch!

Logan: Hey, thanks, darlin'. I got $200 bucks now.

Rogue (purring and sauntering over to him): I think you should thank me properly, sugar.

Alex: Once again, this is Jeopardy, *not* the Love Connection! Moving on - Logan, you answered correctly, or close enough, so you choose.

Logan (under the influence of Marie's neck kisses): What'd you like, baby?

Rogue: You'd let me pick? That's so sweet! (Logan and Rogue start kissing in earnest, oblivious to Alex.)

Alex: For the love of God, would someone pick a category! I should've just taken that offer to host Elimidate or Temptation Island 2. It couldn't have been any worse than this.

Scott: I'll pick. I want lickable things.

Alex: *Like*able things. It's *like*able things. You know, it's no wonder the Brotherhood manages to carry out its evil plans with such ease - there's no room in your minds for anything but sex!

Scott: Is that the question?

Alex (gritting his teeth): No. That is not the question. Pick a dollar amount, please.

Scott: A thousand - let's go all the way with lickable things!

Alex: It's not *lick*able th - oh, never mind! Let's just get this over with! This classic children's book character is known for her colorful attire and her visit to her grandmother's house.

Scott (buzzing in): Jubilee! Wait - no, she doesn't have a grandmother. At least not one that I know of. Not one that's still with us. Hmm.

Rogue (breaking away from Logan to buzz in): I know! I know!

Alex (losing it): Yes! We know you know! That. Is. The. Purpose. Of. The. Buzzer!!!

Logan: Watch it, bub. That's my woman you're talkin' to there. You want me to rip you a new one?

Scott: Well, if it's not Jubilee, who else is colorful? Hmmm.

Rogue: It's Goldilocks!

Alex (clipped): No, she visited the three bears, not her grandmother.

Logan (popping the claws): If she says it's Goldilocks, then it's Goldilocks, bub!

Scott (buzzing in again): I know! I know!

Alex (about to implode): Irgghhh! You already attempted to answer once! You can't answer again! And we know you know! You rang the buzzer! That is its purpose!!!

Scott (oblivious to Alex's ranting): I know the right answer. It's Snow White!

Alex: Arrrghhhh!!!!!

Scott: What? White's a color.

Logan (angrily, to Scott): Marie said it was Goldilocks, so, dammit, it's Goldilocks!

Alex: Little Red Riding Hood! It's Little Red Riding Hood, you bunch of morons!!

Logan (leaving the podium and advancing on Alex, claws drawn): I. Said. Goldilocks. Dammit!

Announcer: Uh, that's all the time we have for this round - we'll be right back with Final Jeopardy after this commercial break!

Theme music begins again and Dame Edna is now standing at the host's podium.

Dame Edna: Okay, Possums, it seems Mr. Trebek has developed a sudden nervous breakdown and I'll be giving you your final Jeopardy clue. So, are we all ready to play?

Logan (blurting out): Sex with Marie.

Marie (blushing): Oh, sugar, that's your answer to everything.

Dame Edna: I haven't given you the clue yet - patience, possums, patience. First I need to reveal the category and then you need to bet some or all of the money you've earned so far.

A technician comes over and whispers something in Dame Edna's ear.

Dame Edna: Oh, it seems you're all in the negative - so we're spotting you one thousand dollars to bet.

Scott: I don't think I should bet, because Jean says gambling is wrong.

Logan: According to the church so's masturbation, but you do that don't you?

Scott: Well, we can't all have a girlfriend who thinks breathing in and out in the same room counts as foreplay.

Marie (turning to wink conspiratorially at Kitty who's sitting in the front row of the audience): Oh, I bet you could.

Dame Edna: Possums, can I please direct your attention back to the game. The quicker we get this over with, the quicker you can go home and do rude things to each other.

Logan (with a naughty grin aimed at Marie): Let's get on with it.

Dame Edna: Okay - the category is British Royalty. Oh, I do love questions about queens.

Scott (under his breath): Big surprise.

Dame Edna: Now write down your little wagers and I'll give you the clue.

Logan, Scott and Marie each write something.

Dame Edna: Okay, are we all set then? This is the current reigning Queen of England.

Logan, Marie and Scott begin scribbling furiously while the Final Jeopardy theme music plays.

Dame Edna: Time's up. Scott, what did you write?

Scott's answer is displayed. He wrote 'Queen Latifah'.

Dame Edna: No, I'm sorry that's not correct, my dear and how much did you wager?

Scott's *bet* is displayed. He wrote 'Nothing. Gambling is wrong.'

Dame Edna: And what did you write, Logan?

Logan's answer is displayed. He wrote 'Scooter is a dick'.

Dame Edna: And how much did you risk?

Logan's *bet* is displayed. He wrote 'None of your fucking business'

Dame Edna (turning to Marie): You seem fairly intelligent, possum, what did you write?

Marie's answer is displayed. She wrote 'Queen Elizabeth II'.

At that moment Alex comes running back onto the stage.

Alex (in shock): I don't believe it. One of you actually answered correctly. How much did you wager?

Marie's *bet* is displayed. The screen is blank.

Marie: Uh, I was kinda distracted by Logan's chest hair peeking outta his shirt and sorta forgot to write anything. Do I still win?

Alex: Arrrghhh!!!!

Dame Edna (moves to console him): That's all right, possum. Let's go find you a nice tasty tranquilizer, shall we?

Dame Edna leads a sobbing Alex off-stage as the theme music begins.

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