Pretty When I Lie
by
Sare Liz



Disclaimers: not mine. Also, music from Vast.

Notes: Okay, Logan refused to consult on this one, but then Angelus strode in and grinned. He had that glint in his eye, the one that always foreshadowed his special brand of fun. This is dark, children, tho not as dark as I'd first anticipated. And it's not the horribleness I was going to write, from say Ororo or Marie's pov. See Jenn? I listen. I do.




I didn't really love you, baby
Didn't really love you
I didn't really love you,
But I'm pretty when I lie


I can see her smiling at me. Well, it's kind of hazy and sometimes I think I see three of her, and sometimes it's just the one. And for some reason she's got Jubilee's coat on. That's kind of strange. And she's tapping her toe on the cement, waiting for me I suppose. We'll just see if I can't wipe that attitude right out of her, eh?

Oh wait, no that wasn't a good thought. Why wasn't that a good thought? I don't remember. Maybe it doesn't matter. Besides, that wasn't her foot. That was the machine next to me, doling out a little more morphine. That's what Dr. Grey said, at least. Told me pushing at the button wouldn't do any good, it was on a schedule and if I was in real pain, just think loudly and she'd hear me.

Wouldn't be too good to think too loudly about Rogue then. Logan might hear me too and come back to finish off the job. I don't know why he didn't bother. The scars won't heal. Dr. Grey didn't really say as much, but I'm not as stupid as I look. I don't think.

But then I'm here, aren't I?

Oh, right. That's why it isn't a good idea to piss off Rogue. I remember now. And now I wish I hadn't. Fuck. No, don't wanna be saying that word either. Don't wanna be thinking about that, or her, or anything.

Xavier's probably going to kick me out. I wouldn't be surprised. Makes me wonder why it happened. I mean, I knew. I knew she was strong. I knew she deserved better. I knew she was close to every power-holding person who lived in the mansion. I knew she was best friends with that insane one, I guess I just underestimated his protective instinct.

Who am I trying to kid? The three Rogues in yellow tech vests? I don't think they're listening anymore. I think it's just me in here with three unsmiling Rogues, the chill in their eye telling me the score. I wasn't thinking at all, and wasn't that the problem?

Well, I'm certainly thinking now, aren't I? Well, I kind of am. It's hard to concentrate.

I don't remember what happened, not entirely.

He came up to me with attitude, I remember that. He'd done it before but nothing came of it before. He told me to keep my hands off her. I think I told him to fuck off.

The man has long claws. I know pretty much everyone knows that in theory, but I can tell you, he has long claws, and they extend his reach like you wouldn't believe.

Dr. Grey says I'll always have the scars. Three deep grooves from my left shoulder to my right hip. I think I'm mad at him. I think I'm mad at myself. I think I'm mad at everyone, save Rogue. I've been mad at Rogue for too long. I think she needs a break. She looks tired and cold. Maybe that's why she has Jubilee's jacket on.

I woke up here, in the medlab after surgery. I wasn't cold. I was toasty warm underneath my blanket, even if my arms were strapped down to the table for my own good. I wonder why Rogue is cold. Maybe it's colder in the lab if you don't have a special blanket. Maybe she hates me now. Can hate make you cold? I should ask Dr. Grey the next time she checks on me and maybe she could leave some blankets for the Rogues across the room.

I can't feel my legs. Dr. Grey says it's because my knees are broken, but she fixed them. She fixed my Achilles tendon too. She's great. I like Dr. Grey. I wonder if she'll change her name to Dr. Summers, or maybe just pick another color. Like blue - blue is a summery color, don't you think? Or yellow like the summer sun, like Jubilee's jacket that the Rogues are wearing. Or maybe red, like the summer heat, like her husband's eyes. Dr. Red. I like that. I'll have to tell her the next time she comes to check on me. Three extra blankets, Dr. Red, no not for me - I'm just fine.

There's something else. I know there is. I think Dr. Red told me earlier but I don't remember. Something about another surgery. Or maybe it was the first one. Whatever it was, it stopped the bleeding, I remember that. Stopped the bleeding and put something back on. I can't imagine what, though. I'm a completely whole person - what part of me could have fallen off?

Rogue wouldn't have wanted me if I hadn't been whole. I could tell. She liked that I could pass, that my mutation was sort of hidden. I don't think Rogue likes me anymore. There's only one now in the corner wearing Jubilee's vest. I think the others must have stepped out to get something to eat. I hope it's something that smells good. I can't eat anything right now, but I can smell it, and it would be nice to smell something, even if I can't eat it. I don't worry about that though. Dr. Red said that I should be eating solid foods in a couple of months, when I can open my mouth again.

I'm sorry Rogue, I'm tired. I think they might be giving me drugs. I wonder if I'll be an addict. I wonder if Xavier will throw me out. I wonder if Wolverine will kill me.

I can't believe I was such a moron. He loves you, Rogue. Not in a fatherly pat-you-on-the-head sort of way. I think he loves you more in the candles and rose petals and sweet slow fuck on a fluffy mattress sort of way. He loves you, Rogue. He wants to give you every thing you've wanted, everything I took away from you. He wants to give it back. He wouldn't have done what he did if he didn't love you. Honesty now, Rogue. I didn't really love you. I know I said it, but I didn't. And I'm sorry, cause I know you loved me. Or at least, you tried.



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