Pretty When You Cry
by
Sare Liz
Disclaimers: They aren't mine. Vast and their music isn't mine. Hell, I can't take credit for anything. My beta put me in a writing mood and my best friend gave me the CD. I highly suggest you try it. Vast.
Notes: I wasn't going to write this. I was just going to email Jenn with a few little lyrics and what they meant to me, and then before I knew it I was angsting. ::shrugs:: Who knew I could be angsting only five months into the fandom? Usually takes me longer than that. . . it's her fault tho. She made me read Logan/Jean and this is just the aftermath of the rage that inevitably follows when you're forced to watch Jean make Logan growl in bed after sex. I felt dirty.
Extra Added Warning: "More angst than you can shake a stick at!" -Jenn.
I'm so sorry darlin'. I'm so fuckin' sorry. I did it again, last night. I held you in my arms and felt your heat radiate from you as you cried. I fed off it like some sort of vampire, I fed off you in your misery, which is the only way I can.
Fuck.
There aren't words, Marie, there just aren't, but seeing as I'm writing this and you're reading it, I suppose I'm trying to find them anyway. So, bear with me, if you can not hate me long enough to get through it.
I fell in love with you the first time. I'd been back a week when I found you that time out in the gardens. All I did was open my arms and you fell into them, sobbing. It tore my heart that you were going through so much hurt, and I never stopped to think that maybe it wasn't just what you said it was, that maybe what the boy that had upset you was just the straw on the camel's back, and you couldn't take it anymore. Right then I wanted to tear away and rip the shit limb from limb, but I held you cause you were more important than my anger. I held you, and my shirt soaked in your tears, and I wanted to keep you safe forever. I really did never want to let you go. But eventually I had to, and you made me promise not to do anything rash. I figured you meant killing the boy, so I promised myself to wait 24 hours. I shouldn't have.
By the end of those 24, you hadn't talked to me again. Maybe you were ashamed or something, I don't know, but you wouldn't even look me in the eye. It was days later till you could stay in the same room when I entered it. I wanted to talk to you so badly, Marie. I needed to, though I don't know what the hell I would have said. I don't think I would have told you I loved you, but I would have made damn sure you broke up with whatisface. I could have stopped that whole chain of bad boyfriends for you, and I didn't.
Sometime between you in my arms and you finally talking to me again I realized that I didn't have a snowball's chance in hell with you, Marie. I figured that all my rage was just me being jealous - alright, I had a little help from Jean on that particular epiphany - and you were a big girl. A woman who could make her own decisions. I could only be there for you as a friend, but if I tried to push you away from the little boy you seemed otherwise content with, maybe you'd hate me for it. If I maimed them, you'd never forgive me.
I can't stand the thought of that, even now. Every time I think about how much I'm going to make them regret what they said to you, did to you. I think I'm going to make them feel real pain, make them wish they'd never been unthinkingly cruel to you, the woman I adore. And every time I remember that you adore them, and however misguided I think it is, it's the truth. You adore them, and if I harmed a hair on their head, it would be my fault and you'd hate me. There'd be no kindness in your eyes for me, and the next time you cried you would cry alone and that breaks my heart.
Somewhere along the line I realized that the only time I really had you in all this time was when you were crying on my shirt.
I fooled myself pretty good, thinking it was all for your benefit, thinking that I was the model modern-friend, not interfering, but just being there. They all praised me for it, Jean, Scott, the whole crew. They all knew you needed someone you could let down your guard with, and here I was all convenient. And I've never lied to myself so well before. I let you get hurt, time and time again when I could have fucking well stopped it, all because I knew you'd never be happy with just me. I was your hero, and when you were hurt I made everything better. A five year old could finish that line of logic Marie - if you weren't hurt anymore, you didn't need your hero.
I beat the shit out of him, Marie. I did it for you, and I did it for me, and I did it so you could find happiness somewhere else. I know you'll hate me and that's why I'm gone now. I can't bear to see it in your eyes. I love you too much for that, darlin.
If you ever need to cry again, though I expect you wont if you steer clear of the jackass that's in the medlab, talk to Ororo. I - shit you're gonna hate me double time for this, but I told her what was going on. All of it. She promised me that if he started his shit again she'd fry him, or sweep him out into the Atlantic when no one was looking. Of course, she was of the opinion that I should have told you about all this in person, but I'm a coward, Marie, and if the entire content of this letter isn't enough to prove it to you then me leaving should finish it off.
I'm sorry, Marie. I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't love you and watch you throw away your heart. I couldn't soak in your tears and act like I didn't want you. I couldn't stand living with the thought that you're pretty when you cry.
Logan
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