Survivor's Guilt
by
Zerelda X
Logan belongs to Marvel, Charlotte is mine. For entertainment purposes only.
A knock on the door startled Logan out of his reverie. He stood by the open window, a framed picture clasped tightly in his hands. He ignored the knock, unwilling to give up his thoughts just yet. He didn't want an intrusion right now.
Knocking, again. A bare smile crossed his face, half amusement, half irritation. He knew who it was just by the tone. She could feel him in here, and she wouldn't go away unless he specifically asked her to leave him alone. "Yeah?" He put the picture down on the bureau.
"Logan?" Charlotte opened the door, peering around it at him.
"Hi, darlin'. Come on in." He answered her in what he hoped was an unconcerned tone of voice, and failed miserably.
She smiled at him and crossed the room to put her arms around him. "I'm going into town and I wondered if you'd like to tag along." The air in here was thick and brooding, making her wish she could back out and start over. Mood indicators for doors would certainly find a market around here.
"Not today. Don't feel like goin' out." Truth be told, he didn't feel like doing much of anything right now.
"Something wrong?" Letting him go, Charlotte sprawled gracefully in one of the chairs by the window. One brow arched at him in query.
"Nothin' wrong, really, just thinkin'." Too much thinking lately. His life was about to change again, and the half-forgotten memories plagued him almost constantly. In the past he tried running from them, drowning them in blood, alcohol and flesh. He couldn't do that anymore, not if he wanted a life with this woman.
Charlotte said nothing. Pushing him did no good. He'd talk if he wanted her to know. She waited in silence for him to either share or tell her to leave.
"Ever wish things were different?" He paced to the window to look out. "That you could go back an' change the one thing that'd make yer life come out like somethin' else?"
That was an unusual question, especially now. It sounded as though he was trying to tell her something she didn't want to hear. "I suppose it all depends on the situation," she said carefully, then paused. "Do you?"
"Yeah. Sometimes." He turned back to the bureau and picked up the picture frame to hand it to her, then sat down in the other chair. "Things I wanna do over an' make better. Like that."
Charlotte looked down at a picture of Logan and a pretty Japanese woman. "I remember Mariko. This photo doesn't do her justice."
"Yeah." Her words penetrated the gloom that surrounded him. "Ya knew her?"
She shook her head. "I saw her years ago during one of those times I tried to find you." She was not proud to remember the thoughts she'd had at the time.
"You didn't say anythin' about it." He pinned her with a hard look that she ignored.
"There was nothing to say. It was a long time ago."
"Ya know what happened to her?"
"I know she was poisoned by an assassin." She wasn't going to tell him she'd read every file she could get her hands on that mentioned him in any context.
"I killed her, before the poison could do it." If he closed his eyes he would feel the slight weight of her body in his arms, breath in her last gasp, hear the awful silence of a heartbeat stilled. The bitter taste of his own tears.
She knew that, too. "Yes."
"Don't take guts to be a killer."
"No, it doesn't, but it takes a brave heart to spare someone you love any unnecessary pain," she said softly. "You are a killer, no way around that, but you were also her lover. What you did took so much love."
"I wish it didn't have to happen." The words were whispered in a harsh, condemning voice, one that nearly begged her to join in the condemnation.
"So do I." He was out of luck on that one. She'd done things that feasted on her soul nightly, the difference being she could remember them in stark detail. Survivor's guilt. There were too many here who suffered from it, but right now he was the only one who mattered to her.
That took a moment to sink in. "But that woulda meant we'd never've met up again."
"I should be glad the woman's dead? A woman you loved and wanted to share your life with? Charlotte smiled a bit to take the sting from her words, but they did bite at her some. No matter she thought of Mariko those years ago, the woman was dead. Behaving like a jealous shrew wouldn't help now, anymore than it would have then.
"No, that ain't it at all. I just..." He sighed. "I didn't expect ya to take it all s'easy." Charlotte was as territorial as Hell, this attitude was a little confusing.
"Logan, sweetheart, I am under no illusions that lil' ol' virgin you came wrapped in cotton wool the day I waltzed back into your life. I had a life with a good man and a family. I wouldn't have traded that for anything during those years, not even you. Why would I expect you to settle for anything less?"
"True 'nuff. You remind me of her, sometimes, you know? She was a lady." Mariko had been a lady in every sense of the word: graceful, soft-spoken, gentle. Honorable. Charlotte was all those things, along with the warrior persona he so loved about her. Perhaps Mariko shared some of Charlotte's more aggressive qualities. He hadn't had time to discover them all before she was gone.
He quirked one corner of his mouth at the woman with him now, feeling a little better. He should've known Charlotte would understand, or at least respect his feelings, jumbled as they were right now.
"That's quite a compliment." She got to her feet and set the picture back on the bureau, propping the easel so it could be seen clearly. "Thank you."
"I was thinkin' about puttin' it away. We're startin' a new life soon." Three short weeks, in fact. Summer solstice. The bonding ceremony. It seemed both too close and too far away.
"Don't do this for me, Logan. I don't intend to take Raven's portrait down from the library wall at the mountain house." Charlotte sat herself in his lap and rested her head against his. "The people we love are a part of us, even when they're gone. You wouldn't be the same man without Mariko in your life, just as I wouldn't be the same without Raven."
"Sounds like we're both comin' into this with a lotta baggage." He wrapped his arms around her and squeezed her tightly.
Wasn't that the truth? "People that live the kind of lives we have, for as long as we have, are going to have a lot of emotional baggage. If you want to talk, I'll be glad to listen."
"Mebbe another time. We'll get a couple of bottles and talk about 'em both." He made a better effort to to lighten his expression. "I thought you were goin' into town?"
"Yeah, I am." She didn't move. "I could stay here a while longer," she murmured, curling up in his lap.
"How 'bout I go with you? Get some dinner, mebbe see a movie?"
"If you insist." The twinkle in her eyes told him she looked forward to it.
On his way out, Logan stopped at the bureau and touched the image of Mariko's face briefly before readjusting the tilt of the picture. A small, almost non-existent smile played on his mouth. He loved Mariko, still loved her, but he loved the woman waiting for him in the hallway, too. Just as much, in a different way.
He could live with that.
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