Disclaimer: They are not mine, they are NOT mine, they are SO not mine! Sigh.
Dedication: This story is dedicated to Lady T for filling in for me, for putting up with my oddities and for going above and beyond the call of duty. The girl is a saint! ; )
His body completely relaxed on top of me, his breathing eventually slowing down to almost normal, and I let him lie there and rest for as long as I could stand it.
"I... I'm sorry -- I can't -- breathe," I managed to whisper.
He drew in a sharp breath and lifted his head, "Wha...? Oh, forgive me!" he cried as he came to his senses and moved off of me quickly. "Are you alright?" he asked, settling up onto his side, reaching an arm over and pulling me tenderly in next to his strong chest.
I nodded just as a loud crack of thunder shook the room and I instinctively reached out to him for protection. When the lightning followed quickly after, I saw that he was searching my face, his eyes filled with concern.
"Did I hurt you?" he asked very quietly in the darkness.
"No," I answered softly, shaking my head. He was silent for a few moments and I knew that, even though I could barely see him, he could see me clearly, because he sighed and traced a finger along each of the tender spots on my neck. I tried very hard not to flinch, but could not help myself as he sadly traced my swollen lip with the tip of his finger.
"Liar," he said softly, as he let out a long shuddering breath.
"Yes, it did hurt -- a little," I admitted, "but it was the most wonderful, delicious pain -- and I would have you hurt me like that every night if I could... no, -- every hour!"
He chuckled at that and pulled me up against him, kissing my cheek and then resting his face against my neck. "You are the strongest, bravest, most unbelievably exciting, most..." he snarled softly and I smiled shyly as he pulled back away from me and I looked up, meeting his piercing dark eyes that I could just barely see. "Thank you SO much for believing in me, for trusting me -- even when I did not trust myself."
I leaned up and kissed him softly. "You are welcome -- and Thank you, but... trusting you is as simple as breathing. That is, as long as you are not lying directly on top of me, then breathing becomes much more difficult."
He laughed and I joined him, a warm sense of peace flooding through me, relief filling every cell of my body. He was there with me, for that moment, and he would be fine. I became serious and he sensed my mood and lifted my chin to look into his eyes again.
"What are you thinking?" he asked tenderly.
I sighed and took the time to choose my words carefully. "Thomas, you are a complex individual. On the one hand, there is a wild, dark side of you that is evidently capable of things that terrify you, but on the other hand, there is YOU... a man that I know to be compassionate, kind and self abasing -- a man that a person can TRUST!"
He sniffed and I could barely see him nodding in the darkness. I continued, "The only person who should fear you is a person who has done something terrible enough to deserve your wrath, and then God help them if they are on the receiving end of it -- but there is something deep and strong and GOOD about your base character. You love deeply. I saw you today with Joseph. The two of you have a friendship that is rare and beautiful. You are special. You are a GOOD MAN and I want you to promise me you will always believe and remember that."
He nodded and swallowed loudly and, as I lifted my hands to his face, I was surprised to feel hot tears rolling down his cheeks. I moaned and wrapped my arms around his neck, lying back and drawing his head to rest on my breast. I ran my fingers through his hair with one hand and cradled his face against my breast with the other, murmuring comforting words to him continuously as his whole body shook with silent and bitter tears.
He held onto me tightly, like a drowning man, and I could sense the fear and self-doubt flowing out of him along with the tears. I prayed that they would never return, that this beautiful man would never again be terrified by himself, and that he would learn to trust in himself as much as I did.
Eventually, he was still and he seemed content to lie there, sniffing softly, taking comfort in the caressing of my hands. I wondered if he was falling asleep and, just as I was beginning to drift off myself, he suddenly drew away from me. He sat upright in the bed, drawing his knees up and resting his elbows on them.
I placed a concerned hand on his strong back, and as I did, he dropped his head into his hands and began rocking back and forth slowly.
"Thomas, you DO believe me, don't you?" He nodded silently as he rocked slowly. "Then what is it?"
I could feel him starting to cry again and he began shaking his head side to side dejectedly. Fear was rising in me as I realized that he was growing more upset and agitated by the moment. I moved quickly to face him on the bed, drawing my knees up under me and placing my hands around his shoulders.
"Thomas, what is it? You are frightening me."
He shook his head roughly, hiding his face from me and struggling to speak. His ceaseless rocking and silence almost drove me mad with anxiety before he finally found his voice. When he did speak, his words were so wrapped in pain and hopelessness that it nearly tore my heart out to hear them.
X~O~X
Logan groaned loudly, sniffing and wiping his eyes with his arm as he turned the page quickly. It was killing him, but he couldn't bear not knowing what was wrong with the kid this time.
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