Animals
Chapter 1
by
Blu



Animals is dedicated to the animal in us all.




Most people who know me would tell ya that I ain't what I seem. Most people who know me would tell ya that I'm actually very kind and caring. That I'm romantic. Just rough around the edges, is all. That's what they'd say.

Most people don't know me all that well.

In all my life, there's only been a few who could say they know me. Least, the few I can remember in my head, anyways. I can't remember them all. Most of the faces I forgot somewhere between the here 'n' now and whatever it was that was my life before the here 'n' now.

I get a strange kind of satisfaction from that thought, though. It's like ... it's like I'm happy with it. I c'n be happy with myself, alone. I don't really want people knowing me - knowing who I am. I like bein' alone. In the dark, at night. With nothin' but the sounds o' crickets and the night breezes across my ears. Better 'n people. People are loud. People are rude. People are arrogant.

'Course some might say I am, too. Jubilee might say so. She's young. She knows me, better 'n most. Yuriko, she knew me. What is it with me and Asian women, anyways. She wouldn't have said any of those things, that other people might say. She knew me. Knew me too well. I guess that's why she's gone.

It seems like everyone I .. get close to. Care for. Maybe care for. I can't say love. Haven't used that one in a LONG time. Seems like they end up hurt or dead. When I got to Xavier's ...

But I ain't one fer dwellin' on the past. That was a long time ago, now. Seems like it at least. Some of the newer ones I don't even know. They come and go and that's that. IN and out - gone 'fore I c'n even bother with 'em. I don't mind it. Like I said. I like being alone.

There isn't anyone for me, anymore. Jean was the only other woman I loved. I lost that battle, I guess. You'd think I'd a' come ta grips with it by now. Scott's a good guy. He treats her right. She was with me she might be dead already. She deserves him - deserves that good life. Perfect couple.

I don't mind it. I like bein' alone.

The woods are my real home, the dark limbs of night trees are my company and the crickets and all o' the other sounds of night. Jubilee called me a vampire once.

'Wolvie!' she says, 'Why don't you ever sleep!?'

That was when she was little. Well, young, anyways. I kinda took a likin' to 'er. Not like I wanted to have sex or nothin'. She's more like ... my daug -- scratch that. I ain't any good at this introspective jumble. I just don't say much. I don't think too much, either - brings up too many questions an' no answers. Find it a whole hell 'a lot easier not to.

Sometimes I wonder what if. Ya know. What if Pete and I had been friends - kept closer, longer. Those last few months, we hardly saw eachother. Hadn't seen much of eachother since before he left for Muir. An' before that it was Avalon. He was changed after that. Ol' man Mags musta made him over good. Even after he got back it was different. I just didn't talk ta him much. And he didn't talk ta me much either.

But I don't mind. I like bein' alone.

Except I have these dreams, you know ... bad ones. He's in them. So's Yuriko. Both o' them out ta get me. But I don't let them. Fight and fight like the spirit I have in me is ragin'.

I'm really just an animal. That's what I am. People who know me don't ever see that. They want to sugar coat it, to make it nice, so they don't haveta see the real me. I make them see, usually. I don't even know if any o' the team really GETS it. How hard it is for me to keep my leash on all o' the time.

In Alaska the wolves look out for their own, but they fight their own, too. They live together, some of 'em even mate for life. They don't take any others. If one dies the other might, too. Or she might find someone else. I've always liked wolves. When we used ta go up there (how long's it been?) I would sit an' watch 'em for hours, out there on the frozen lake. Could hear 'em runnin' across it, howling. Callin' ta me.

Yeah, it's beautiful, but I ain't one o' them, either. Much as I might act like I can't stand it - this place here is my home. Always will be. Has been since I c'n remember anything at all. These people. They're my friends. I think they wonder what goes through my head, now an' then. Shoulda given up a long time ago. Most of 'em have, I think. Scott doesn't bother, anymore. Jean is shy. Or scared. Or just doesn't care, either. I gave up tryin' ta figure her out. But I still love her.

It doesn't matter, though. I like bein' alone.

I like watchin' the stars. I like nights. Nights like this one. Cool. There's a nice fog - it's not hot out, not even warm. A little chilly. I was made for cold. I like ta hunt in it - I like ta run in it. I like ta lay on the damp grass and look up at the sky when I'm done. Countin' the stars.

You ever wonder what it'd be like ta have a different life - a life on one o' them other stars - maybe where there's other planets and other people and where bein' a mutant ain't nothin' so special? I mean, on those planets, shit, maybe bein' a fuckin' HUMAN is considered a mutant-like. Maybe there'r planets with nothin' but wolves on them. Howlin' and runnin'. Wolves and bears and fish and clean streams and elk and deer and crickets at night and cold damp grass under a clear sky with no pollution and just hundreds o' stars to look at every night.

No humans - no mutants, either. No people. Just wolves.

Just animals.

Then I wouldn't be alone - I wouldn't be wearin this leash and I wouldn't haveta worry about hurtin' so many people. Sometimes I can see the blood runnin' red in my skull. When I dream all I see is the blood on my claws. Metal claws not real claws. All I c'n feel is the weight of my own skeleton tryin' ta crush my body from the inside out - pressin' down on me all at once.

Never was much one for thinkin' on dreams, either. That's 'Ro's thing, not mine. And she's another one. What coulda been. What mighta been. She'd say - if she could see this right now - what about what might STILL BE? Ya know what I'd say back ta her? Fuck conditions. I don't got any use for words like might, coulda, shoulda, woulda. I either do or I don't - I am or I am not.

I do love Jean. I do love 'Ro.

I did love Yuriko and I did love Pete. Goddam but it hurts ..

I don't like other people and I don't like being called a mutant, I fuckin' HATE that word and sometimes ... I wonder if I hate myself and the people around me, too.

'Depressed?' Prof would ask.

Nah. I'm not depressed. Depression doesn't suit me. I'm better'n that. Depression is somethin' human. I left that realm a long time ago, bub.

I'm an animal.



CHAPTERS:   1   2




All references to characters belonging to the X-Men Universe are (c) and TM the Marvel Comics Group, 20th Century Fox and all related entities. All rights reserved. Any reproduction, duplication or distribution of these materials in any form is expressly prohibited. No money is being made from this archive. All images are also (c) and TM the Marvel Comics Group, 20th Century Fox and all related entities; they are not mine. This website, its operators and any content used on this site relating to the X-Men are not authorized by Marvel, Fox, etc. I am not, nor do I claim to be affiliated with any of these entities in any way.