Bill and Ted's X-cellent Adventure
Disclaimer: Dude, I totally don't own anything.
Archive Rights: WRFA, XMMFFC, DDFH, and the Med Lab. Otherwise, just ask.
Author's Notes: There is no excuse for this, but I'm happy to be in a silly mood. It's been a while. This is set right after Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure and about three years after X-Men: The Movie.
"Dude," Bill said when he saw his dark-haired friend leave the police station. "You got it set up?"
"Totally. The garbage cans are ready for our most outstanding jailbreak," Ted answered, joining his friend next to the phone booth.
"Excellent," Bill said. Then, he and Ted performed a simultaneous, though short air guitar performance.
"That's everything," Bill said, stepping into the phone booth and opening up the book. "Your dad's keys, the tape recording, and the trash cans. We can go home and start band practice with the princess babes."
"Wait, dude." Ted said, putting his hand on the phone before Bill could pick up the receiver and start dialing. "I've been thinking."
"'Bout what, Ted?"
"You know how Rufus said if I went to that bogus military academy, it'd breakup Wyld Stallyns?"
"Totally. A most heinous notion."
"Dad talked to me before we left this morning."
"Dude, he was ragging on you again, wasn't he?"
"You're so right. He was saying how if I didn't go, I'd never learn responsibility and I'd never amount to anything."
"Ted, you are so repeating his words. You know what Rufus told us. Dude, we even went to the future. You know how excellent everything turns out."
"I know, but Dad always makes me feel so totally bogus. I wonder if there's anyway we could find out for sure how egregiously wrong the future would be if I went to military school. I mean, do we, like, prevent a world war or something?"
"I dunno, dude, but I don't want you to go to that school just so we can find out."
"No, Bill. I mean, like, using the booth."
"Awesome idea, dude. Lemme check the phone book."
Bill flipped through the pages for a few minutes before he concluded, "This thing's only for the past."
"But the booth went to the future, we were there."
"Yeah, dude, but that was an accident."
"Hmm... Let's ask Rufus!"
"Yeah, Rufus'll know."
Bill picked up the receiver and reached with his other hand for the number pad before he stopped. "What's his number?"
"I don't know, dude. Isn't he in the book?"
"Oh, yeah." Bill scanned the phone directory before turning to the front and finding the help numbers. "Dude, let's call the operator and ask."
"Good thinking, dude."
Bill typed in the number and instead of triggering a time-travel event, a woman's bored voice came on the line.
"Operator, how may I help you?"
"Babe, I have to get a most needed number for Rufus."
"Full name, date, and location, please."
Bill cupped his hand over the receiver. "Bill, what's Rufus' last name."
"I'm clueless, dude."
Bill removed his hand and said, "It's just Rufus. He lives in your time. Don't you know Rufus?"
"I'm sorry. I cannot give you the proper number without full name, date, and location."
"Well, what about the future? Can we get a phone book for the future."
"Future probabilities are infinite. There is no printed directory. Give me the criteria of the scenario, and I'll look up the number."
It took ten minutes before the operator got the information she needed so Bill could dial them to Ted's probable future after military school. Bill typed it in before he could forget, and the phone booth traveled a bumpy, multi-connected path through time streams before finally landing on a vast, manicured lawn.
There were children in small and large groups throughout the area playing a variety of games, but when the phone booth set down, they quickly turned and fled to the only building in view, a mansion standing regally in the center of the grounds,
"Don't run away, little dudes," Ted called to them. "Bill and I aren't gonna do anything heinous."
They ignored him, but before the last few children entered the mansion, a small group of adults came running out in almost identical leather outfits. They sped towards Bill and Ted, not stopping until they were within a few feet.
There were five of them: three women and two men. Of the women, only one, a woman with brown skin and white hair, seemed truly threatening. Her eyes turned opaque white at the same time storm clouds started to gather in the sky, as if they were responding to her commands. The other two women took fighting stances, but the only unusual thing about them was that the younger one with white-streaked hair wasn't wearing gloves, Of the men, one held a hand up to his red, eye-covering visor while the other released three, nine-inch metal claws from both hands.
Ted stared at the man's claws as if hypnotized, but Bill held up his hands and started talking.
"Whoa, dudes and babes. We're cool. We totally didn't mean to make you freak out."
"Who are you?" the red-visored man asked. "Where did you come from?"
"We're from the past, royal, red-eyed dude." Bill held one hand to his chest while spreading the other arm wide. "I'm Bill S. Preston, Esquire."
Ted didn't respond to his cue to introduce himself, instead continuing to stare at the clawed man. Bill shifted his stance and nudged Ted with his elbow, causing Ted to turn his attention to him.
Bill looked at Ted and then at the people standing in front of them before looking back at Ted moving his arms to indicate their position. Then, he whispered with an encouraging nod, "I'm Ted 'Theodore'..."
Ted got the hint and mirrored Bill's posture, declaring, "I'm Ted 'Theodore' Logan, and together we're..." Bill joined with him in saying, "Wyld Stallyns." Then, both of them starting playing energetic air guitars.
The leather-garbed people lowered their guard looking at the dancing duo and then at each other in confusion.
"You're from the past," the visored man said, skepticism dripping from his voice. "All right, what year?"
"1989, red-eyed dude. We came forward to find out what would happen to T..."
"You," Ted said, pointing at the man who'd just sheathed his claws.
"Dude," Bill said. "You sure? He's got your excellent, wild hair, but the dude has claws."
Ted lifted his arm and unsheathed three, eight-inch bone claws.
"Whoa, mega righteous, dude. How come you never told me you had those?"
Ted opened his mouth to answer his friend, but his counterpart stepped forward and grabbed his arm, looking at the claws more closely before growling, "How did you get these?"
Ted shrugged his shoulders. "I'm a mutant, other-Ted dude. One day, my dad was yelling at me and they totally came out."
"No way," Bill said.
"Yes way, dude. It was so heinous. That's why Dad wanted me to go to that school. He didn't want a freaking mutant in his house."
"Bogus. Why didn't you tell me, dude?"
"Wait a second," the white-streaked woman said as she pulled on her gloves. "Are you saying that you and Logan are the same person?"
"Totally, beautiful future babe," Ted answered nodding at the woman who now held the arm of his future self.
"Hey," Logan said, pointing a single, shining claw at Ted. "You are not me. There's no way you're me."
"Dude," Ted began before he was interrupted by the visored man.
"Logan, you were like so, totally, a valley guy when you were a kid."
"Stow it, Summers," Logan growled before turning and stalking toward the mansion, the white-streaked woman following close behind.
"Dude," Bill said, watching him leave in a huff. "Was it something we said?"
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