Adult Education: Pop Quiz
Chapter 3
by
Mo
Acknowledgements: As always, a great debt of thanks is due to LS and SW, tireless researchers, beta readers, and helpers of all kinds.
I was scared each day that I'd wake up and someone would tell me at breakfast that Logan had left in the night and we needed a sub for his classes. I'd pleaded with him not to just run out without telling me this time. I asked him to promise to tell me if he was leaving, to say goodbye to my face. Out of respect for my feelings and for our friendship. I told him it was really important to me, especially if he meant it to be the last time. He listened to everything I had to say but was non-committal. It occurred to me that we had been together for close to three years now and the only promise he'd ever made to me was that he wouldn't kill me. That gave me pause, sort of suggested that Charles might have a point about Logan not being a great bet for a long term relationship. On the other hand, it was all a question of how you look at it. If I chose to view this as three years in which he hadn't broken a single promise to me, it sounded like a much more positive thing.
Maybe he wouldn't feel the need to leave, though. After saying repeatedly that he couldn't stay away from me that one night he seemed to have no trouble doing just that every night since then. We were back to spending no time together and barely glimpsing each other from a distance. I was still angry with Charles, more so by the day. His planned return kept being delayed so I had no real outlet for that anger.
So between worrying about Logan's possible departure and waiting for Charles to come home, I was both nervous and angry. I was trying hard not to let either emotion show, going about my business as usual. Spending a lot of time in the Danger Room and at the pool.
I found out Charles was back during my Advanced Poetry Seminar. Logan had apparently meant what he said about having had enough poetry, or at least enough of listening to me talk about poetry. He hadn't come back to class and Oliver and I were alone again in a sea of girls. Well, we were until Charles wheeled into the classroom, raising the male count by one. The kids all turned to see him. "Welcome back," I said and "Can I help you?" He said to ignore him and just carry on with the lesson. Well, that's all he said out loud but in my brain he was asking, "What's wrong? Are you okay?" in tones of concern and love. I paid no heed to the telepathic questions and followed the spoken instruction, continuing the discussion of John Donne's "For Whom the Bell Tolls".
"Everyone knows the 'send not to ask for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee' part," I was saying. "I think we have Hemingway to thank for that. Taken by itself, that line has an ominous ring, doesn't it?" I paused briefly and then added, "No pun intended," and was rewarded with a few chuckles. "But that was not the poet's intention and that's clear if you read the poem in its entirety, or even the lines just before that. 'Each man's death diminishes me for I am involved in mankind.' It's, on the contrary, a very positive statement of human interconnectedness."
"Well, if you're a man, I guess it is," said Jubilee. "It doesn't make me feel very connected."
"You've got a good point, Jubilee. I suppose now we would say 'each person's death diminishes me for I am involved with humanity'. That would certainly be more inclusive. Yet to my ears it would lose some of the poetry. Do you think it just feels that way to me because I'm a man? Or is there something about the way he wrote it originally that has some value now, even if we wouldn't write it like that today?"
It wasn't where I'd planned on taking the class, but that was okay. It sparked a really thought-provoking discussion and they all seemed to enjoy it. We talked about inclusiveness and specificity in language, the place for each. Kitty brought up 'We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal' as well. Not strictly poetry, of course, but Jefferson's language is so poetic. And clearly not inclusive in even that statement, which was intended to be all embracing. The class pondered this, comparing it to the Donne line. Did Donne feel diminished by the death of a woman? Would Jefferson have thought it self-evident that people other than white land-owning men were created equal? The evidence of his life would say not, yet how often do people who articulate lofty ideals fail to live up to them? Do we live up to the ideals we hold dear? I threw that last question out for consideration. And, as is so often the case, the kids tied it into their experiences as mutants, talking about whether they felt a common bond with all of humanity or just with our kind. Does each man's death diminish each of us, or only each mutant's?
"We're all one people, really, one species," Oliver said. "It's important for us to remember that, even if it sometimes feels like we're the only ones who do."
The bell rang. "That one tolls for all of you," I said. "Class dismissed."
They all filed out and Charles and I were alone. "What's wrong, Scott?" he said, speaking out loud this time.
"I think we'd better go somewhere more private to talk," I said, keeping my voice calm, albeit with considerable effort. We agreed to go to his office. Along the way we talked about school business and the progress Charles was making in Washington, interrupted a few times by students welcoming him back.
When we were seated in his office, I found it hard to begin. "I'm so mad at you I can barely talk," I said.
"When Scott Summers is speechless, this is clearly serious. Do you want to try to talk about it? Or should I find out telepathically?"
"I don't want you in my brain, Charles." He winced, visibly, but I didn't feel any sympathy. "Do you really not know what this is about? I figured I'd been broadcasting all over the place."
"I know it has to do with Logan and I know you're angry and upset. That's about all."
"Well, that's a good start, I guess. I'm not giving him up without a fight, Charles."
He sighed and said, "Has it come to that? I had hoped it wouldn't." I looked at him skeptically. "You think I'm the one you need to fight? You're wrong, Scott."
"Oh, come on, Charles. Who told him that he's too damaged to give me what I need? Who told him that he's never going to recover completely? Aside from what you're doing to me, to me and Logan, why the hell would you think that's an appropriate thing to say to someone as fragile as he is?"
I was raising my voice now but his remained calm. "You might ask yourself instead, Scott, how likely it is that you can have the kind of relationship you're looking for with someone so fragile. You know, you say you're in love with him and I do believe you. But think about the way you talk about him ñ surely you're as aware as I am of his limitations."
"You're right. I'm aware he's got problems. I happen to think that kind of awareness is a good thing. I'm in love with him but I don't have any illusions about him. I know what he's been through. Well, some of it. And I'm full of admiration for what he's done with his life, anyway. Logan and I are both damaged, we're both limited, but we can help each other. We have helped each other. Look at how he's been functioning on the team and teaching. Two things you said he'd never be able to do. Logan has come so far in the time I've known him. If you can't see that, then you don't want to or something."
"I'm well aware of how far he has come, Scott. I do want to know - I think it's wonderful. "
I was mad enough, anyway, but his continuing calm demeanor was driving me over the edge. "You're sure not acting like you think it's wonderful ñ talking him into leaving. You hate him, don't you? And don't think I don't know why. You hate that he's my lover, hate that he makes me happy. He's doing what you want to do, what you've wanted to do ever since you brought me here when I was sixteen. And you can't. That's what this is about, isn't it?"
I regretted saying it as soon as it was out of my mouth. I wasn't even sure where that came from. Maybe I was just trying to shock him out of his complacent manner. If so, it didn't work. He paused for a minute, but then continued in the same calm voice. "No, Scott," he said. "That's not how I feel about you. It never has been." I started to apologize but he stopped me. "No, it's okay. I'm glad you said it. It's something we should talk about. And you're not the first person to suggest that my concerns about you and Logan are rooted in sexual jealousy ñ Logan said the same thing to me. Somewhat more graphically, I might add. It caused me a bit of soul-searching at the time, but it just isn't there. What I feel for you is a profound love, Scott. I always have and I always will. But it's not that kind of love." He stopped a minute, thinking. "But maybe there's a core truth in there somewhere. Maybe I do feel some antipathy towards Logan for being more important to you than I am. When you were with Jean, it was different. I had concerns about your relationship, but I view you both as my children. I never felt that she was taking you away from me, or that you were taking her away. Maybe I feel that a little bit with Logan. But, whatever complexity of feelings I have towards him, Scott, I've really tried to help him. And on his terms ñ he told me what he wanted to know and I've helped him find that out."
"And convinced him to break up with me along the way? When he tells me why he's doing it, it's your words coming out of his mouth, Charles."
"No, you're wrong. He asked me early on what I thought of his relationship with you and I told him honestly about my concerns. That's all, Scott. I've made no attempt to influence him in that regard. I couldn't, anyway. He totally rejected what I had to say. And, as I told you, speculated along the same lines you just did about why I'd said it. That was when I first started working with him and we haven't discussed it since. If he's leaving you, it's not because of anything I'd said.
"And Scott, I'm sorry. As I've worked with Logan I have seen more and more of what you love about him. And I've become increasingly aware of the depth of his feelings for you. He does love you. I was hoping things would work out for you two, even if I still have reservations. Truly, this isn't something I wanted."
"If it's not because of your influence, then what is it, Charles? If he loves me, why won't he have anything to do with me? Why is he talking about leaving?"
"I think you need to ask Logan that. It's not for me to say."
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