Night and Day: Midnight Musings
Chapter 5
by
Mo
Disclaimer: The X-Men and Alpha Flight belong to Marvel. The movie belongs to Fox. Belarus is an independent country and belongs to its citizens, mutant and otherwise. Bryn Mawr is a private women's college founded in 1885. It belongs to the women, mutant and otherwise, who have lived and learned there for the past 116 years. I do feel like Scott and Logan are a little bit mine since I've been borrowing them for so long.
We arrived late at night. Having another driver with me, I was able to do the trip in one day, not being stuck with doing the driving portions during daylight hours. I do try to avoid night-driving on safety grounds, generally. I also know that my chances of going into a car rental office at night and coming out with a car are pretty much nil. As it is, they look at me strangely when I don't take my glasses off inside during the day. But Warren had no trouble renting a car at the airport in Regina. Well, none except for the usual discomfort of having his wings bound tightly enough that they don't show under clothes.
We pulled out of the rental parking lot and drove a little way, stopping by the side of a dark road. Once we were parked there, Warren pulled off his outer clothes and untied his wings, letting them free, bending and flexing them. I rubbed his back a little. "Does that help?" I asked.
"Up a little higher. That's good. I feel it in the shoulders and neck, mostly. I can't believe I used to go out like that all the time. Now I can barely stand it even for short periods."
"That's kind of how I feel about being in the closet." I kept rubbing his shoulders, bending down a bit to kiss and lick him on the back of the neck. He reached back to touch my leg when I did that, moaning a little. Then he turned around and kissed me, sliding his tongue across the roof of my mouth. I kept rubbing his shoulders, kissing him back, sucking on his tongue now.
We kissed for a while. Then he pulled away and looked at me, kind of an amused smile on his face. "You know, I used to be jealous of you and Jean," he said. "I was so pissed when she started dating you. I tried to get her to go out with me a few times, but she always turned me down. Once I asked her what you had that I don't. 'He's the best kisser', she said." He just looked at me for a minute, smiling. "I think she was right."
We kissed some more. I took my hands off of his shoulders and put one hand on his crotch, feeling his hard cock pushing against the pants. I unzipped him and started stroking up and down, still kissing him, stroking his wings gently with the other hand. His hands were on the back of my head now, stroking my hair, pulling a little.
When I pulled away, he tried to pull my head back to his mouth. "No," I told him. "I want your cock in my mouth now." I bent down and put my tongue on the slit, tasting his pre-cum. Then licked up and down the shaft before taking him in my mouth, moving up and down on him, taking him in deeper each stroke. "Oh, Scott," he kept saying, hands in my hair again. I took him all the way in when he came, but pulled back a little before he was done, just to keep the taste of him in my mouth.
He leaned on the steering wheel afterwards, catching his breath, wings starting to fold onto his back after pushing out hard as he came. "Hey, Warren," I said. "I don't think I'm going to be comfortable having sex with you at the outpost. I don't know if you thought we would or anything, but I just thought I'd mention it. It would feel a little too weird for me, I think, with Logan there."
"Is it really over between you two, Scott?" he asked. "It sounds like you're not so sure."
"Oh, it's over. I'm just still getting used to it. I think he is, too. I just think it would be confusing. And, I don't know, embarrassing I guess, if I'm having sex with somebody else right down the hall from him, the first time I see him after we broke up."
"Okay, your call. But blow jobs by the side of the road are okay? So, if I get really horny I should ask you if you want to go for a drive?" He reached over to kiss me again, but I was laughing too hard.
Jean-Paul had waited up for us. He said that he thought Wendy and Arthur were asleep. He wasn't sure whether Logan was in. Logan had gone out earlier, Jean-Paul said, but he had been out flying for a while and Logan might have returned while he was gone. I couldn't help wondering where Logan had gone and whether he was back now. I tried not to let it show, just saying we would catch up with everyone in the morning.
We went upstairs and Jean-Paul showed us to our rooms. I was in Oliver's old room. Northstar mentioned that Logan had suggested putting me there, saying he thought I'd like it because it was full of books. Warren was at the other end of the hall, next to Logan.
I got into bed but couldn't sleep. I tried to convince myself it was because I had napped on the plane. I really wanted to go knock on Logan's door, but didn't. Turned on the light and looked over the books on the shelves. It seemed like a good time for something escapist.
I picked up _Scaramouche_, pleased to see it there, reflecting on the fact that I hadn't read it since high school. Just looking at the cover brought back memories of being a confused kid, inserting myself into the story, happy to imagine myself as a swashbuckling, sword-wielding hero. And here I was a confused adult. Still trying to be a hero, albeit swordless.
I took the book downstairs, thinking I might feel more relaxed if I were farther from Logan's bedroom. I looked around a bit at the downstairs rooms. The house looked much more settled, much more lived in than last time I was here. There was some sort of furniture in most rooms. Holes in the walls, floors and ceiling had all been repaired. The heat seemed to be working better, too. I went into the living room - a large, long room with two big bay windows. Last I was here, it had had a couch and chair and was otherwise bare. Now it was set up with a meeting table with chairs at one end and two couches and a rocking chair over at the other end, by the fireplace. There were even pictures on the walls. It looked like a functional and comfortable room. I settled down on one of the couches and was lost in Sabatini's story within minutes.
I must have been really absorbed in the book, because I didn't hear Logan come in. I was sort of semi-reclining on the couch, a bunch of cushions behind me and my feet up and suddenly he was just there, standing over me. I motioned for him to sit down at the other end of the couch and he did.
"When'd you get in?" he asked.
I glanced at the clock on the mantle. "A couple of hours ago. Did you just get back?" He nodded. "Where have you been?"
He just kind of shrugged. "Out. Driving around. I get a little stir-crazy sometimes. Sorry I wasn't here to meet you, though. I didn't think you'd get here until tomorrow - didn't figure you'd drive at night."
I explained that Warren had done the driving.
"Oh, yeah. I didn't think of that. So, is that why you brought him? Chauffeur duty?"
"No, that's just a fringe benefit. Warren's kind of at loose ends right now. I asked him to come along for this trip - told him I thought he might be interested in what you're doing up here. My ulterior motive, which isn't all that ulterior, is I want him to rejoin the X-Men. We're kind of thin right now. You're up here - and, yes I know you were never really on the team," I hastened to add, seeing his expression, "but I had hopes. So shoot me. And, Pyotr is back in Russia and I really don't know if or when he's coming back. Hank is off on an extended mission for Charles. We're pretty short-staffed. I could use Warren."
"Why do I think you've been using Warren already? And not for the team?"
I could feel myself blushing, but tried to answer calmly. "It's not what you think, Logan. He's an old friend. And, anyway, as I've said before I don't really think this is something we should be discussing. I'm not asking you anything about your sex life."
"You can if you want. There's not much to tell."
Neither of us said anything for a few minutes. I stretched a little and my feet, still up on the couch, touched his leg. He looked at me as if asking permission and then picked up one foot and started massaging it. Then he did ask. "Is this okay?"
"Yeah, it feels good."
"Lots of things feel good, Scott. But you've made it clear some of them aren't okay any more. I'm just trying to figure out what the rules are here."
"I'm sorry, Logan. I don't have a rule book. I'm just making this up as I go along. I just want us to be comfortable with each other, able to work together. I don't know how to get there. What do you think?"
"Don't ask me. I still want it to be how it was with us. I think you're the best friend I ever had, that's what I think. And that we both did some stuff we wish we didn't. But I think we could get past that if we both wanted to. Only it seems like I want to and you don't."
"It's not that I don't want to. I just can't. I feel like too much has happened, too much has been said. It's beyond the point where we can recover from it, where we can get past it."
Logan shrugged. "Your choice." And then, after a pause, "Can we talk about some stuff that happened with us, though? I've been thinking a lot and I'm having trouble making sense of some of it."
I hesitated. "I'm not sure we should open up..." I started. And then didn't know how to finish the sentence.
"I'm not asking you to change your mind about anything. I'm just trying to understand some stuff. There are some things I need to ask."
"Go ahead," I told him. "I'll try to answer your questions."
"Well, I've been thinking about some things that happened with you and me. Remember when I was having such a tough time after I found out about the Weapon X stuff?" I nodded. "And I came to visit you and to hear about the professor's idea for a project? Scott, what you did for me then, it made all the difference. But I think about that night we were together, about fucking you over and over again. The sex was like a drug or something - taking me out of myself, giving me a break from what I couldn't face in my own brain. I don't know how to explain it, but I needed it like that, just then. I was so happy to have you, to have a friend who would give me what I needed. And you said lots of stuff to me that I'll always remember, really. But remember you told me that poem, the one about the soldier who wants only playthings?"
"Murmurings in a Field Hospital. I remember, Logan."
"You said you'd be my plaything. You said you were glad to. You meant it, didn't you?" I nodded again, watching him looking at me so intently. "Well, and then I think about the story you told me about the birthday party guy and the one you beat up. The three guys that cheated you. And called you a 'boy toy' and just treated you like a thing. And I want to kill them, really I do. I hate them. I hate what they did to you. But, do you understand where I'm going? Do you see what I don't get? Why was it okay to be my plaything? Was I doing to you what they did? What's the difference?"
I didn't answer at first. Closed my eyes, feeling those strong hands rubbing my feet, thinking about what he said and how to respond. "The difference is love, I think. And trust. No, you weren't doing what they did. Not at all. I wanted to give you mindless sex because that's what you needed right then and I loved you. And I trusted you to see that I was more than just a plaything, whenever you were ready to come out of that sex-to-forget state. It was okay. It was more than okay. I wanted to give you what you needed. I believed you'd do the same for me, Logan. Give me what I needed, I mean. You *have* given me what I needed. Lots of times."
"What do you need, Scott? What do you need now?"
"I need you," I wanted to say. Wanted to scream it. "I don't know any more," was what I really said.
"Is that Angel guy giving you what you need, Scott? Or what you want? It was him there the time I called you at night, wasn't it?"
"Yes it was." I just didn't have it in me to tell him again that it was none of his business. "But it's not like you're making it out to be. It's not like it was between you and me. He's a friend, since high school. He's straight, really. But he was curious and I was lonely. And horny. What did you say? 'Something to do in the night'. That's what it's like with him. And just company, too. It's not a big deal."
He kind of winced at that. Put my feet down in his lap and placed one hand on my thigh. Gave me one of those ironic smiles of his. "I haven't threatened to kill him once, Scott," he said. "Do you think that means I'm making progress? Or does it just show that I know you really aren't mine any more?" He said that last part sadly. He didn't say anything else for a while. Then, "When I asked you if you're in love with him, you said no. But you didn't just say no. You said you're not in love with anybody else. I thought about that 'anybody else' part afterwards, trying to figure out what it means. I think it means you're still in love with me. You're not done with me. Not done wanting me, anyway.
"And I don't understand why you're doing this - doing this to us both. I did some stuff that hurt you, I know it. I'm sorry for that. But you're just making both of us hurt more. It makes no sense to me. I hope it makes sense to you. But, I'm not going to argue with you any more. I'm not going to ask you any more. I still want you. I still want to be your friend, your lover. 'You want to have friends, you have to accept the fact that people aren't perfect'. You told me that. You ever decide to believe it, to live by it, well you know where I am." He got up and walked out of the room.
All references to characters belonging to the X-Men Universe are (c) and TM the Marvel Comics Group, 20th Century Fox and all related entities. All rights reserved. Any reproduction, duplication or distribution of these materials in any form is expressly prohibited. No money is being made from this archive. All images are also (c) and TM the Marvel Comics Group, 20th Century Fox and all related entities; they are not mine. This website, its operators and any content used on this site relating to the X-Men are not authorized by Marvel, Fox, etc. I am not, nor do I claim to be affiliated with any of these entities in any way.