Disclaimer: Lena, Caleb, Annie, assorted bar patrons and fastfood clerks are the products of my fevered imagination. Everyone else in the story is property of Marvel. Uncredited song lyrics are from the Golden Palominos.
It was a new moon and the night sky was an inky, dark velvet. This close to the lights of the house, she couldn't make out many stars. A large mug of coffee balanced precariously in her lap as she read about the various possible side effects of the Pill. The third time she read the section on thrombosis without retaining any of the information, she folded up the package insert and set it next to her on the table.
She grabbed the mug up in both hands and blew the steam away from the top, enjoying the warmth and aroma of the coffee. The thoughts in her head circled around like dogs chasing their tails. So much of her life had passed without any opportunity for reflection. The choices that had led her to this place and time had mostly been made as gut reactions to her circumstances. Someone was using you to hurt people, you got the hell away from them and you didn't look back. Some kid reached out their arms to you and you picked them up because whatever little thing you could offer them was better than the nothing they were going to get without you. If death was the only way to stop somebody from taking you back to hell, then death was the only thing to choose. If the man you've loved practically your whole life loved you back so hard that he had trouble controlling himself, then you well, that's where it got more difficult. If you were a normal person then the answer would be pretty easy. For about the millionth time in her life, Lena wished that she were a normal person.
How could she even talk to him about it? What was she supposed to say? 'Hey Logan, it's the funniest thing. All this time I've been putting you off 'cause I thought I couldn't have sex or babies or any of that stuff and it turns out that there wasn't anything wrong with my equipment. Apparently, Kovacs was a pedophile with a 5-year plan. Ha, Ha, and we thought we hated him before, huh? So wanna cuddle?' She laughed grimly and rubbed her forehead. This line of thought wasn't getting her anywhere but her head refused to let it go.
"Lena."
She jerked halfway up out of her chair and barely managed to save the contents of her mug before regaining her composure. "Jesus H. Christ, Logan, are you trying to give me a heart attack?"
"Sorry," He held up his hands, "didn't mean to spook ya."
She was so surprised that it took a second for her to remember that she didn't want to talk to him. She edged back away from him.
"Please, Lena, don't." He held up his hands and darted back to the wall of the balcony. "I just want to talk. I swear I won't come any closer to ya than I am right now."
She looked at him knowing, for the first time, what it was she was feeling. He was breathtakingly handsome. There just wasn't any other way to put it. He actually made it difficult for her to breathe. Broad shoulders, broad chest tapering into a trim but solid waist, flaring out again slightly as the lines of his pants molded to the lines of his well-developed thigh muscles. He held himself lightly, balanced on the balls of his feet, his knees slightly bent, ready for anything. Thick, dark hair framed the strong, rugged features of his face. But it was the look in his eyes that completely undid her. He was so worried it looked like it was actually causing him pain. She knew he was worried about her.
He waited for her to respond, trying to gauge the expression on her face. He couldn't tell what was going on in her head. She looked at him as if she had never seen him before.
She settled back down slowly into her chair. Her eyes closed and she tried to calm herself. Still with her eyes closed, she asked, "What do you want to talk about?"
He allowed himself to breathe again and slowly leaned back against the wall. "I never meant to hurt you, Lena."
"You didn't, Logan."
"You haven't said two words to me since that mornin' by the lake and you ain't sung a note since then either."
"Goddammit! Did it ever occur to you that I might have problems that don't have a thing to do with you?"
Wounded, there was no other way to describe the look in his eyes. She wanted so much just to reach out to him and soothe the hurt from his eyes. She wondered if it could possibly be that simple. Would all of the past pain wash away if she simply opened her arms to him? It didn't seem likely.
"Fuck," she ran her fingers through her hair and looked away across the broad expanse of shadowed ground. "I'm sorry, Logan. I didn't mean to snap at you."
"If it doesn't have anything to do with me, how come I'm the one you won't talk to?"
"Fine," she allowed, "It's got something to do with you but it's not what you think."
"Then what is it, Lena?" He wished he hadn't promised to stay put. If he could just hold her in his arms, this would all end. He knew it. The voice in the back of his head whispered about how some women just had to be forced the first time, and suggested that she'd thank him later. It was a struggle, but he reigned in that line of thought and got control of himself.
"I've just been I found something out about myself that I didn't know and now I don't know how to deal with it."
"And it's something you don't feel like you can talk about with me?"
"No, Logan. I can't."
"Is that can't now or can't ever?"
"I can't now. I need some time."
"If I give you some time, do you promise you'll tell me soon as you can?"
She nodded her head.
"I can see you nodding your head but this is the kinda thing I'd rather hear than see."
She sniffed out a small laugh and gave him an ironic smile. "I promise you, Logan. I will tell you what's going on as soon as I can."
"Okay, I can accept that as long as you answer one question."
"What?"
"Are you sick? Is that why Henry brought Reyes in? 'Cause if you're sick, I want to know right now. I don't want to wait for God knows how long when I should be taking care of ya."
"No, I'm not sick. I'm healthier than I ever thought I'd be."
"Good." He relaxed visibly. "Okay, here's how this is gonna go. You're gonna get all the time you need and I'm gonna give you as much space as I can. I'm gonna have to keep my distance anyway 'cause the truth is, I have a lot o' trouble thinkin' straight when I'm too close to you. That don't mean that I ain't gonna be here for you or that I'm not gonna watch over you. You need anything or you need to talk to me, you just come get me. I promise I won't be hard to find. That okay with you?"
She nodded, "That's okay with me."
He caught himself eyeing her lips. He dug his nails into the palm of his hand and finally managed to pull his eyes away. "Take care of yourself, Lena," he whispered and then slipped off the balcony as quietly as he had come.
-----------------------------------
Finding her wasn't difficult. The woods surrounding the mansion were a second home for him and her scent was unmistakable. She veered from the path and headed up the hillside. He knew now what her destination was and he doubled back to find a good vantage point. The soles of tiny hiking boots were soon visible, dangling over the edge of one of the high rocks. Logan was beginning to think of that particular rock as 'Lena's thinking rock.' Perhaps calling it her stewing rock would have been more to the point.
Watching her was hard. Hard, because she'd asked for time. Hard, because he could not go up there and demand to know what was eating her up inside.
Time, that's what he'd promised her. Probably the last thing in the world he wanted to give. But, that was what she said she needed. He didn't know how to tell her no. Couldn't deny her. It had seemed like such a little thing at the time.
But, now Now, he reflected, it was getting to be too much. She wasn't getting better; she was getting worse. They were here, out in the woods, because she had once again worked herself into a fury over Scott and the whole feeling of claustrophobia that crept over her as she fought to accustom herself to life at the mansion. As always with her lately, the fury and frustration mixed with an undercurrent of need. Plain, blind, hungry need radiated from her like a beacon. It drove him near crazy; he hated to think what it did to her. Certainly, it was responsible for shortening her temper and prolonging her rages. And all he could do was watch as she spiraled downward. Inaction was simply not his style and he rankled against the confines of their agreement. Trapped, because of the promise, because he was not a man who broke his promises.
"Chiquitaaaa?" Caleb hollered out, cupping his hands around his mouth to amplify the sound.
"I'm up here, Cay. What do you want?"
"I wanna know why you're blowing off our lunch date."
"Oh shit! Sorry Cay. I forgot that was today. Hang on a sec and I'll come down."
Snapping twigs and rolling gravel heralded her arrival. He watched the pair of them move off towards the garage. No noise marked his passage as he moved up to her rock and sat down to do some stewing of his own.
-----------------------------------
Her hand moved in a blur, caught the clerk's collar and hauled him halfway over the counter. His face came to a stop an inch away from hers.
"Ya know what I don't notice on my tray? I don't notice any of the hot mustard dipping sauce that I asked for twice already. Now are you gonna get some for me or am I gonna have to jump this counter and get it myself?" She let his shirt go and he slid back to his side of the counter. Shaky hands dropped a dozen packets of sauce on Lena's tray. "Thanks, I knew you could do it."
"Jeeze Lanie, who pissed in jer Wheaties?" Caleb whispered as they walked to a table.
"Three guesses and the first two don't count."
"Scotty huh?"
"Yep."
"He still won't budge on the security stuff, huh?"
"Yep, said he wants proof of what I'm saying."
"Well, there you go. Give him proof."
"What? Raid the institute's computer system?"
"Jeah, why not? It is what we do for a living. I mean yeah, we usually bring systems all the way down, but we don't have to. We could jus' do something simple that would bloody one-eye's nose a little bit and not damage anything permanently."
"You're right. I'm gonna do it. It's the only way he'll listen."
"Great, when do we get started?"
"No, sorry Caleb. This is gonna be a solo job. I don't know how Scott's going to react and I only want to be responsible for landing my own butt in the fire."
"Jou not even gonna tell Logan about it?"
She looked away from him. "No, I'm not going to tell him."
"Lanie, what's up wit you an' him anyway? I'd figure you two would be datin' by now. I mean he's really crazy about you. And jou pretty crazy about him, too. Aren't you?"
"It's complicated, Caleb."
"Jeah well, all the good stuff is. Don't mean you should run away from it. He makes you happy, Lanie, happier than I ever seen you."
"Hey, aren't you supposed to be my overprotective, younger brother?" She challenged him.
"Oh, like it's my fault jou went and found a guy who could pass all my tests."
She smirked. "He passed 'em all, huh?" "Flying colors, Lena. He's the only man I know mean enough to put up wit you. Jou gonna finish the rest of those fries?" "Touch the fries and die, Caleb."
----------------------------------------
A signal buzzed through her link to let her know that she had been jacked in for over ten hours. Ten hours was her limit. Since she had decided not to cheat on this raid, her mind was still, mostly, in her body. It wasn't difficult to pull the rest of her consciousness out of the system and pull the cord from the port in the back of her neck. She rose up on to her feet and stretched, trying to bring circulation back to her extremities.
She missed Logan. In all the time she had been trying so hard to put him off, she had never allowed herself to notice just how much she enjoyed his presence. Now he was a ghost to her, a fleeting presence, barely registering in the corner of her eye. That had been her choice and she knew he would honor it. She knew the next move was hers. All she had to do was make it.
Sounded simple. Wasn't simple. She knew he wanted what he thought she was. The question that woke her up most nights was; would he want what she actually was? Would his eyes slip from hers and scan the distance when she told him? Would she be wrapped up in those strong arms only to feel compassion? Would he want would he still want her?
Complicating the situation was her own libido. She would never again tease Caleb for any of his hormonal excesses. Now she understood what it was to be completely floored by her own needs. It was like an itch that she had no means of scratching. Late at night, in the dark, she would try to take the matter into her own hands. But there was no way of fooling her body into believing that her tiny, cool hands were larger, warmer or stronger. She wondered if she was doing something wrong. It amused her, for one grim moment, to think about whom she might ask for advice.
She had more work to do but she was tired and that was such a rarity. It was better to take advantage of her fatigue and catch some rest while she could. She might even be lucky enough to dream about a pair of warm, strong hands and the man they belonged to. At least in her dreams, he was hers.
----------------------------------------
So, maybe taking double shifts wasn't the best way to get his mind off of her. Certainly, volunteering for so many missions wasn't a good idea either. It could have been that he was distracted enough to be dangerous; could have been that his luck simply ran out. All he remembered was looking right down the barrel of a laser cannon, then really bright light and a whole lot of pain and then, nothing.
Now it waslater. How much later, he didn't know. He was in the lab resting on a gurney, the tattered remains of his uniform covered by a sheet. She had been there. He could smell her everywhere. She had touched his skin; she had taken the pain away. He stretched experimentally to see what shape his body was in. He noticed some stickiness on his chest and neck. Rubbing at one of the sticky spots, he brought his finger to his lips and tasted salt. Tears, she had been crying over him.
"Lena, you didn't have to"
"She's not here, Logan." Jean walked over to his side. "How are you doing?"
"I know she's not here. I didn't realize I was talkin' out loud. I'm doing fine, Jeannie. How long have I been out?'
"About twelve hours. You gave us quite a scare."
"Did Lena"
"Yes, she worked on you. She uh she was really kind of upset. I guess she's not used to seeing you that way."
"I know; she was crying. You think she's gonna be okay?"
"She said she needed to get some rest. But honestly, I think she just didn't want to be here when you woke up."
He nodded slightly and looked away.
"How are you holding up?"
"I already told you, I'm fine."
"I didn't mean physically. I meant how are things between you and Lena?"
"You probably know more than I do. She still talks to you."
"That good, huh."
"Yup."
"Well I'm sorry to hear that. I've actually been kind of worried about her."
"You too?"
"Yeah. Everything seemed to be going so well and then about a week or two ago she regressed. I felt like I was at square one again. Something big has changed but I can't get her to talk about it."
"Yeah well she won't talk to me about it either and I was fool enough to promise not to force the issue. I thought she was at least talking to you." He sat up abruptly. "Damn. That's not good. That's not good at all. Why does she have to be so stubborn?"
Jean smiled wryly. "Maybe something to do with her early role models?"
He heaved a sigh, "yeah, she's stubborn like me and when she gets upset, she even talks like me. She loves me; she admitted it. But none of it's gotten me one step closer to her."
"I'm sorry, Logan. I didn't know"
"What?"
"You've fallen pretty hard for her, haven't you?"
"How the hell am I supposed to not fall for her, Jean? She's beautiful and she's funny and she has so much spirit. She's had all kinds of evil thrown at her and she hasn't let it touch her. I mean, I know she's got her problems but Jesus, Jeannie; you've seen her with those kids. There isn't a thing in the world she wouldn't do for them. And what about us, how many people has she helped around here since she started working in the infirmary? Henry and Kurt don't know what to do with their time anymore. She even pets the goddamned cat with her face. I mean, what am I supposed to do against that? I ain't got no defense against that."
"Whoa, wait a minute. I think you lost me with that last point."
"Ahh, it's just craziness anyway." He ran a tired hand through his hair. "I gotta catch a shower and get this scent off of me." He stopped short of the door when he saw Jean's quizzical expression. He rubbed his face with his hands and sighed, "She was carrying groceries in from the jeep. Both her hands were full but the cat wanted attention. So she leaned over and nuzzled it with her face. 'Cause nobody crying out for affection is gonna be denied, not on Lena's watch; she just doesn't work that way."
"That's not crazy, Logan. That's really sweet. II hope everything works out between you two."
He nodded quickly before leaving the room. "Thanks, Jeannie. Me too."
----------------------------------------
"So, do you want to talk about yesterday?"
"Uh No?" Lena asserted, weakly.
"I think you need to talk about this."
Lena sighed deeply and rubbed her face. "What's to talk about, Jean? I lost it in there. I saw him hurt and I couldn't take it. So I ran away."
"You saved his life, Lena. You didn't just run away." Jean held up her hands before Lena could protest. "I know, I know. It's Logan and maybe his life didn't need saving. He might have been fine on his own but that doesn't change the fact that you were willing to do the right thing."
"He doesn't deserve anything less than my very best. He saved a lot more than my life."
"You mean back in the Program?"
She nodded her head without looking up. "Do you want to know what Logan was to me back then?"
"Sure."
Still not looking up, she raised one finger. "He was my one proof of the existence of good in the entire universe." She met Jean's eyes and smiled sadly. "You see, the only way Kovacs could really win was by making a cynic out of me. In order to control me, he had to find a way to make me give up hope. That was a pretty tall order because I read a lot in my free time."
"Sorry, I don't understand."
"King Arthur, Robin Hood, that's the kind of stuff I loved. I didn't know anything about the real world and I just kind of figured that the Program was the sort of place that a hero might rescue somebody from. But I believed in what those stories talked about, truth, justice, honor, protection of the innocent, loyalty, all of it."
"Ah, I get it." Jean nodded.
"So he had to convince me that all of the values I held so dear only existed in story books. Before Logan came along, Kovacs had a pretty easy time of it. The doctors were horrible, the other techs were kids just like me and the subjects were mostly soldiers. When the soldiers were bright enough to figure out that I wasn't a machine, well then they just saw me as the thing that made them hurt. And they'd just" She grimaced, remembering, "yell at me. Call me names no little girl should have to hear. But Logan, he didn't just know that I was there, he knew what I was and he never, no matter what they made me do to him, he never took it out on me. It sounds like a little thing, but it was the nicest thing anyone had ever done for me."
"So Logan was your hero?"
"Oh, Christ yeah. I mean that was just the start of it anyway. Do you know how many times he could have escaped if he'd only been willing to leave me behind? He still doesn't remember most of this. I hope it comes back to him because he should know what a good thing he did. He gave me hope. He showed me that people could be heroes, that I could be one. If he hadn't been in my life, Kovacs would have won. I was so tired of fighting him by then. He had my body. He had my power. Logan helped me keep my soul."
"So why aren't you talking to him?"
The petite woman became even smaller as she huddled in the big, wing chair. "Did you ever want something so much you were afraid to ask for it? Like, I don't know, maybe you figured that not knowing if you could get something was better that knowing for sure that you couldn't?"
"If that something is a someone, if it's Logan, I don't think he's made any secret of how he feels about you."
"Except that well. I just I'm not what he thinks I am. I guess I'm afraid that he's not going to be as interested in me when he finds that out."
"I think he has a pretty good handle on what you are. And I know he's very worried about you. If you believe he deserves your best, do you really think you're giving him your best, right now?"
"Jean I"
"Just think about it, Lena. You ought to give him a chance. You both deserve it. That's all I'm going to say." Jean squeezed Lena's hand on her way out of the study and was gone.
Jean was right and Lena wished that made a difference but she was still so scared. She couldn't really handle thinking about it and crashing the security system so she decided to tackle the Logan problem as soon as she was done with the security demo. It might have been procrastination but it sounded like a plan to her.
----------------------------------------
A week passed and everything was in good shape for her demonstration. It was good that she had the distraction. It even kept her from thinking about him for nearly a whole day. That was three days ago. Since then, she'd fallen back into the same old circular patterns of thought. Would he? Could he? Should she? If so, how? And the ever popular, shouldn't masturbation be something that came naturally to everyone and shouldn't it help to take the edge off the body's urges? This combination of attraction and restlessness and crankiness she was feeling had to be what people meant when they said horny. Had to. She wasn't prepared to contemplate a world where there was something worse than this.
This was not helping her finish her work for the night. She just had a few more printouts to review. But she couldn't concentrate on them. She couldn't concentrate on anything anymore. For a moment, she stared hard at the port plug in her hand, sorely tempted to jack into the system. Suddenly, she whipped the plug into the desktop. She growled angrily, stood up, threw the binder at the desk, kicked her chair over, grabbed her keys and a CD, slammed the door and stalked down the hallway. She needed to blow off some steam. The Danger Room was empty. She went in through the control room, holding the door open and walking forward to the window to make sure she was alone. She closed the door with her knee and locked it with a hand. She typed an override access control into the computer that allowed her to lock down the room. Then her hands flew about the control room getting the configuration set up. She was deeply in dance mode now. Every motion she made flowed into the next one. Her legs and hands all moved on separate trajectories with equal ease. Finally she jammed the CD into the player, slammed the lid, turned on the sound system and slid down the ladder to the Danger Room floor.
She started with floor work, tumbling as hard and as fast as she could, going in time with the music. She just kept going faster and stronger as she worked her way up to the aerials. With each move she tried to go a little further. Several times, she could have easily slammed into the wall or the floor had she been the tiniest bit off.
After an hour of going full tilt, she was no closer to burning up the frantic energy that coursed through her. She couldn't stand it. A wild howl ripped out of her and she started hitting and kicking anything she could find. Each kick, each punch fell with precision and breathtaking force. They were packed with all of the energy she could muster. All of her muscles were protesting. The air burned in her lungs and her heartbeat seemed loud enough to hear over the music. Blood flew from her knuckles and finally, the rage subsided. She collapsed to the floorboards and caught her breath. When she could get up again, she headed back up the ladder, shut everything down, snatched the CD from the deck and stalked out of the Danger Room sucking the blood from her injured hand.
A flame briefly illuminated the control room as Logan lit his cigar. Well somebody ought to smoke after something like that, he thought. He had never seen her like that before. It was if she had been riding on greased rails. She hadn't made a misstep. Every action flowed from the previous without any break. Still, she had been frustrated, angry, distracted and, not to put too fine a point on it, horny as all hell. She hadn't even noticed him working at the spare desk. Tomorrow, he would try to talk to her. They didn't have to talk about whatever it was that she couldn't tell him but they had to talk. He couldn't stand by and watch anymore.
All references to characters belonging to the X-Men Universe are (c) and TM the Marvel Comics Group, 20th Century Fox and all related entities. All rights reserved. Any reproduction, duplication or distribution of these materials in any form is expressly prohibited. No money is being made from this archive. All images are also (c) and TM the Marvel Comics Group, 20th Century Fox and all related entities; they are not mine. This website, its operators and any content used on this site relating to the X-Men are not authorized by Marvel, Fox, etc. I am not, nor do I claim to be affiliated with any of these entities in any way.