Alpha Male Chapter Twenty-Six - Letting Go by LoganLuvr
Logan looked deeply into her eyes, frowning and concentrating, her lips were trembling... Hell, her whole body was shaking like a leaf. He felt desire... he KNEW he did, but, now he also felt fear... raw, near-panic fear... and utter sincerity. She meant it, she wanted him to stop. Everything in him dropped like a ball of lead into his gut. Thoughts flew through his mind... so many thoughts, in an instant's time... This was Ari... beautiful, innocent, ... he had spent most of the day playing over and over in his mind, how he would begin teaching her, showing her what her body, and his, could feel together. He'd wanted it to be slow and gentle, and filled with so much pleasure... and here he was, on top of her like some animal... touching her body, threatening her... he looked down at his claws... " SHIT! What in the...? " SNIKT! His claws retracted and he dropped his head. Logan groaned, a horrible, gutteral sound filled with dark despair, as he rolled off of her and lay spread-eagled on his back on the soft, damp ground next to her.
"Oh, God.. I'm sorry..." the voice that came from deep within his throat was unrecognizable... it was so full of pain, misery... " I don't... know ...what the Hell I'm doin'... I'm so sorry, Ari..." He swallowed and closed his eyes, a tear rolling down his cheek. " There's ... somethin' wrong... in my head..."
" I know, Logan... it's okay..." Ari sat up slowly, stiff and sore, and emotionally drained. Her body felt like a wet rag, and she was trembling violently. Logan could feel her shaking, and he couldn't resist laying his hand on her back to comfort her. She flinched, when he touched her, but she didn't object so he kept it there, needing to touch her, to help her understand... She pulled her legs up and wrapped her arms around them, laying her head on her knees and rocking back and forth slowly. He could feel her beginning to cry, softly, at first, fighting it, and then eventually giving herself over to it, and sobbing quietly into her knees. With tears of his own streaming down his face, he rubbed her back gently, needing to help her through it, wanting desperately to take her into his arms.
Eventually, she stopped crying and they stayed there, wrapped in their thoughts, her sitting, him lying on the ground next to her. Their senses had been so full of each other, so keyed in and focused on flight and pursuit, that neither one of them had noticed what a beautiful evening it was. The earth beneath them was damp and soft, mostly moss covered and it's dank, earthy scent filled their nostrils. The soft whir and chirp of spring's first frogs echoed around them, interrupted occasionally by the hoot of a great-horned owl. Animals of the night skittered through bushes, chattering softly at one another. Up, through the trees, shimmering through his tears Logan could see a beautiful night sky filled with stars, and glowing with the bright-white light of a half-moon. They both breathed in the night deeply, willing it to ease their pain and calm their nerves. Except for the occasional sniff, they stayed there, together, completely silent, not comfortable with what had happened, but neither wanting to be apart from the other.
When Ari seemed to be under control, Logan spoke, unable to wait any longer to try to explain himself, to beg for her forgiveness. " Ari... I'm sorry...I ... " She cut off his words, with a deep shuddering sigh, " Logan, it's not your fault... you were just..." she swallowed and licked her lips, turning her head slightly to look at him. " All of this is my fault... I drove you to this..." Logan tried to break in, to assure her that was not the case, but she put her hand up, shushing him. " Logan... you were dying, and I couldn't bear to lose you." She turned her head away and spoke very quietly. " I did what I had to do... I had no choice... I'm the one who's sorry Logan. " His mind was reeling, what the Hell was she talking about? He could feel her changing, feel her making a decision... " I never meant for anything like this to happen...I just have to get away from you.." she said, rising fluidly, quickly, ready to run again.
Logan', mind was reeling, he wasn't about to let her go, after what she had just said, he reached up, grasping after her frantically. His hand had been resting softly on her back, and he grabbed the first thing he could; his fingers caught in the waist band of her pants, and he pulled her back down to the ground next to him. His voice was hoarse and filled with emotion..." I promise I'm not ' gonna hurt ya'... just give me a minute..."
He fought to control his mind... to focus on what she was trying, or trying not, to tell him. He didn't feel like letting go of her was an option, he knew she would try to run again.... but his fingers were inside the waistband of her pants, and they were laying against the soft, smooth, delicately curved skin of her ass. When he pulled her down, she had dropped, falling into him, and he couldn't help but notice how her soft rounded hip nestled snugly against the curve of his side... a perfect fit. It was too soon, he hadn't completely regained control of his body... Logan closed his eyes and shook his head roughly... -Focus, Dammit, Logan!!-
"You said..." he sniffed and took a deep breath. " You said... " I did what I had to do"... and..." he shook his head roughly again, " ... and " I never meant for... anything like this to happen."
She sighed loudly. He looked up at the back of her head, " What the Hell have you done to my head, Ari?," he asked quietly. Her shoulders drooped, and she hung her head, " I wouldn't know where to begin...." He cut her off quickly. " I've got all night, Darlin', and nobody's leavin' 'til you tell me what the Hell is goin' on."
She sniffed and turned slightly. " Please, take your hand out of my pants," she whispered.
" I don't want you ta' run," Logan answered quietly. Ari shook her head, " I'm not going anywhere. You deserve an explanation. The least I can do is give you that. "
Logan sighed in relief and removed his hand from her pants. She groaned and laid back roughly on the ground next to him. She lay there for several minutes, concentrating and working out a reasonable explanation. She knew she had to tell him the truth, but she was unsure how to go about it. She turned toward him, sliding up onto her side and propping her head up with her hand. When she spoke, her voice was low, quiet and trembling. " Logan, you were dying. Your vitals were getting weaker by the minute, and when I tried to reach you...here.." she said touching the side of his head softly with her finger, " you were gone." Logan turned his head to look at her. " You had given up." He nodded his head. " I know," he said quietly," I remember that part." She nodded, relieved that he was aware of how close to death he had been, that would make it easier... she swallowed.
She licked her lips and continued, " I have the ability to go into an animal's mind, Logan... in an even deeper way than you remember, from the cabin. I can actually enter their minds and communicate with them." He nodded, " I saw you... the day with the lion... you told it ta' back off. " She nodded, smiling, she didn't know he had seen that. He didn't miss a thing.
He frowned and looked up at her eyes. " But I'm not an animal..." she cut him off. " Yes, you are, Logan... you are an animal... and a man. " He frowned, nodding slowly, he had known that, he had learned that... he still wasn't used to the idea. She licked her lips, biting down on the bottom one. She was so beautiful.
"... and so am I," she said barely above a whisper. His eyes widened, and his heart leapt. " What?"
"Well, I'm not a MAN...I am a woman... and an animal. " She smiled shyly, seeing his eagerness, his childlike expression. " You and I are alike, Logan... I knew it the moment I met you..."
He broke in,"..... so did I, " he whispered softly. It was her turn to be surprised. " How ...?" He looked up at the sky for a moment, then turned back to her. " By your scent... and I could feel you." She swallowed and bit her lip, nodding her head.
Logan regarded her intently. She was no longer frightened, she was comfortable and relieved to finally be sharing all of this with him. Lying there on the ground, in the woods, next to her felt like the most natural thing he'd ever done. Ari shivered from the cold, and Logan sat up and took off his coat. " Here, take this... you're cold..." She sat up and took the coat gratefully, pulling it on and snuggling into it, feeling the warmth left there from his body. He laid back down next to her, leaning up on his side, and resting his head on his arm. She nervously, did the same, facing him an arms' length away. They laid there and looked at each other for a long time.
Logan looked beautiful in the moonlight, and her senses were filled with his scent. She pulled a corner of his leather jacket up to her nose, closing her eyes and breathing it in deeply, her nose twitching. He looked at her beautiful silvery hair, and then frowned... it was filled with twigs and leaves from when he... his heart fell, remembering what he had almost done to her. He reached up slowly, so he wouldn't frighten her, and pulled a large twig from her curls. " I'm sorry...," he said again, looking into her eyes with his tortured ones. She shook her head, " It's okay... I'm alright, Logan. The weird thing is, it took you doing something that drastic for me to get up the guts to tell you the truth."
He could tell she meant it, but it didn't do much for the terrible feeling it gave him, remembering. He frowned, " Ari, you still haven't explained what is wrong with me... I understand that you were in my head, but why do I ... why did I ... I would never do that to you."
She closed her eyes and rolled onto her back, putting a hand to her brow. It was obvious that whatever had happened, it was difficult for her to talk about it. She sighed, long and hard, then started again."When I enter the mind of an animal, as when I entered yours, I am not my normal self... at least, not the person you see here. This will sound strange to you, but I... become the other part of me..." she glanced over to see his reaction, " When I am in a mind, I am in the form of a wolf. "
Logan's eyes widened, and he nodded... " My God! The dreams... like in the dreams..." Ari's eyes flew open, startled. " You're having them, too? Shit! "
He nodded, smiling, now he was getting somewhere. " Are.. you.. HER?," he asked incredulously.
Ari looked back up at the sky and nodded, " As much as you are him."
Logan was flabbergasted. " What the Hell? Tonight, ... in your dream, .. did we...?" She swallowed, licked her lips and nodded, sighing. " Shit!, " he said quietly.
She snorted quietly and raised her eyebrows sarcastically. In a whisper almost too quiet for him to hear she said, " That wouldn't be the first time, either." He leaned closer, knowing that this was the key to all of it. " When I entered your mind, you were far, far away, trying to die... trying to fall asleep forever. I tried to convince you to come back with me, but you were angry, stubborn." Logan chuckled. " You made fun of me because I was a wolf, but what you didn't know was that ... you were one, too." He gasped. She turned and looked at him. " When I showed you... what you were, you... you still refused to come back... I didn't want you to die, Logan... I knew that if I lost you, I would want to die, too." She swallowed and stared deep into his eyes... " Do you remember any of this?" He shook his head... " How did you get me ta' come back, Ari?" he asked quietly.
She groaned and rolled back onto her back. " You told me that you were upset that I had left you... I explained that I had gone to talk to the Professor about treating you... but you were so upset... you said you couldn't fight it without me, and that you weren't coming back..." she looked over at him, for a second." You refused to come back, Logan.. I only had one option." His face was a blank and Ari knew she had no option now, either... she had to spit it out. " When I tried to comfort you, you... became ... interested in me. " Logan raised his eyebrows, he was beginning to understand.
She swallowed, " You and I... we were ourselves, except, of course... we were in the bodies of wolves. You... you needed me... you wanted to... you promised me that if we...," her voice cracked, she couldn't continue. Logan rolled onto his back, trying to convince his body not to become aroused... it was no use... he was definitely becoming aroused. He remembered how it felt, in the dreams... the tingling of his body, the hardness, the instinctual animal need. He remembered how beautiful he'd thought she was, how badly he had wanted her... it was no surprise to him that he would have wanted her, in his mind. " Ari,..." he turned and looked at her, " did we...?," he didn't need to finish, she was nodding and a tear was rolling down her cheek. " Holy shit! "
He laid back and looked at the sky, giving her time to get it together. " Ari, why don't I remember? You remember, why don't I?"
"Because I made you forget... I took the memory from you...just like they did."
Logan digested that for a while. It made him angry that she would do that, but he knew down deep that she must have had a very good reason. " Why?," he asked softly.
She drew in a shuddering breath, " I saw things in your mind..." His heart sank. " I saw women... lots of women and I knew that..." she swallowed." Logan, when we... when we... did what we did... I knew what I was risking... I knew the ramifications, the possible consequences. You didn't. "
"What are you talkin' about?"
"When wolves mate... it's for good. They choose each other, and then they stay together... for good. You... you're not that kind of man, Logan. You had no idea what you were doing. I had no right to expect that of you, so I made you forget so that we wouldn't be stuck in a relationship together for good. I was hoping that if I stayed away from you... kept some distance between us, that it wouldn't mean anything to you... I thought that the bond between us might be broken. Obviously, I was wrong. I knew that wanting you would be a problem for me, because, unlike you, I remember everything, but you're having the same problem... I really didn't expect that. Your body believes that I am yours, that you should be able to take me, when you want... I didn't tell you what was happening... you were confused, frustrated. I'm sorry... The Professor and Jean both urged me to talk to you several times." He reached over and took her hand in his, squeezing it gently, letting her know that he understood.
They lay there silently thinking for a long time. The whole thing was a lot for Logan's mind to take in. The way he saw it, he had blackmailed her into having sex with him, and when she saw, in his mind, the man that he really was, she made him forget, in hopes that she wouldn't be stuck with him for life. None of that was really hard to believe. She was way too good a woman to be stuck with the likes of him, and it disgusted him that she'd had to go that far to get him to want to live. What an ass!
He sat up and looked over at her, squeezing her hand again. " Thanks." She looked up, questioning. " ... For bringin' me back... for goin' that far for me. Nobody's ever done that much for me. I'm sorry." She nodded and swallowed, her face a covered in a cloud of misery. " So am I," she said quietly,"...so am I."
"What are we 'gonna do now?," he asked. She sat up and took a deep breath, " The only thing we can do. I'm leaving tomorrow, I'm already packed. I'm hoping that the distance will help us both to forget."
Logan's heart fell. He couldn't imagine life without her, but he couldn't imagine her stuck with him, either.
She picked his hand up and brought it to her mouth, kissing it softly. A tear rolled down her face, and he reached up and wiped it away. It matched the horrible lump in his throat. " 'You 'gonna be okay?," he asked hoarsely.
"I sure hope so," she said, walking away from him.
All references to characters belonging to the X-Men Universe are (c) and TM the Marvel Comics Group, 20th Century Fox and all related entities. All rights reserved. Any reproduction, duplication or distribution of these materials in any form is expressly prohibited. No money is being made from this archive. All images are also (c) and TM the Marvel Comics Group, 20th Century Fox and all related entities; they are not mine. This website, its operators and any content used on this site relating to the X-Men are not authorized by Marvel, Fox, etc. I am not, nor do I claim to be affiliated with any of these entities in any way.